Friday, November 15, 2019

Missionary Undoing -

Field Report...

Floyd Frock has spent decades in Africa, following behind missionaries from village to village, undoing their work as he goes. 

"It really isn't that difficult to restore a tribe's original beliefs," said Frock. "I ask them to tell me something about the white man's religion. Then I ask, Kwa nini mungu kufanya hivyo? which means, Why would God do that?"

Frock continued, "While the natives are scratching their heads, I quietly hand a rattle to their former Shaman and he takes if from there. Somebody gets out a drum and everyone happily goes back to their traditional ways."

"But not so far back as cannablism," says Frock, "I tell them, if they must cook people, maybe just enjoy the broth.

Wednesday, November 13, 2019

Yard Sale Bust -

In the news...

Dan Dinker was arrested at his own yard sale for selling several items to a registered hoarder.

Under Cindy's Law, named for Cindy Buttons who went missing amid her household clutter in 2009 and was never found, it is illegal to aid any hoarder in the accumulation of stuff.

Dinker protested as he was led away in handcuffs, claiming he was also a hoarder and the transfer of things from one hoarder to another should cancel out the crime.

Police say Dinker may face another charge since the law also says a registered hoarder cannot live within 2,000 feet of a thrift store.

Monday, November 11, 2019

Pine Cones -

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Friday, November 8, 2019

Rescue Dog -

Out and about...

I took my pooch to the park. A lady with a Spaniel paused to let our dogs sniff each other's butts.

"Is your dog a rescue dog?" the lady asked?

"No, he never rescued anyone," I replied.

"I mean, was your dog rescued?" she asked.

"No," I answered.

"Well, didn't you rescue him?" she asked.

"No, some nice people had some puppies and we took one," I said.

"But your poor dog could have been, abandoned, abused, and on the brink of a horrible death, right?" she pressed.

"Unlikely," I said.

"Then you did rescue him from horrible possibilities," she concluded with some satisfaction.

"Probably not," I said, walking on down the path.

"Yes, sir!" the lady called after me, "That is one lucky rescue dog you have there."

Wednesday, November 6, 2019

Guardian Angels -

Let's face it...

Guardian Angels are just terrible at their jobs. In fact, the average G.A. is a real slacker. I mean, so many calamities happen to people - you have to wonder what their angels were doing at the time. 

The problem could be that angels don't take humans' calamities seriously. Even if we get killed - Bling! - we're in heaven the next minute. What's so bad about that? 

Or, their apparent complacency might stem from fuzzy mission statements.

For example, let's say you're standing on the sidewalk, and a piano is falling from the 23rd floor, and it looks like curtains for you. Since everyone knows that God doesn't make mistakes; there are no accidents; and everything happens for a reason... well, what's your Guardian Angel supposed to do?

Monday, November 4, 2019

Litter Logic -

On the level...

We're dropping my father-in-law at the airport. He's getting his bag from the trunk when he sees a folded paper on the ground. Did he drop it? Could it be his tickets?

He picks up the paper and unfolds it. It's just some pamphlet. He drops it back to the pavement.

Dad doesn't consider this littering because the pamphlet had already been dropped by someone else. It was pre-littered. So Dad thinks it's perfectly alright to return the paper to where he found it - as if he had never picked it up.