Friday, January 24, 2020

Muscle Memory - ๐Ÿ“Œ

On the level... 
Doug's golf coach told him about "muscle memory." The theory is that you learn a particular movement and you practice until your muscles remember it. Then the move becomes automatic. So, it seems muscles have minds of their own.

The trouble is that Doug's muscles don't exactly have total recall. He sets up to hit a drive off the tee and his muscles have only a vague feeling of dรฉjรก vu.

Wednesday, January 22, 2020

Massive Procession - ๐Ÿฉ

Broken news...

More than 250 ice cream trucks and vans came from three states to form a massive funeral procession in honor Frank Fleeter, a frozen novelty vendor who died on Saturday.

"We got the idea from law enforcement," said Vernon Brown who organized the event. "It's an awesome tribute: a really long line of ice cream vehicles, flashing their flashers and blaring musical jingles - all in an emotional farewell to a brother few of us ever met." 

"I don't mean to say ice cream vendors are on a par with police officers," explained Brown, "but such an extravagant show of solidarity is a comfort to any family that is suffering a loss."

Thousands of people were attracted by the musical jingles and lined the streets to view the procession. Traffic was delayed for miles around as the trucks kept stopping to sell ice cream.

Monday, January 20, 2020

Mountie Hat - ๐Ÿฉ

On the level... 
Are you thinking of moving to Canada? Well, if you encounter Sergeant Dan Drucher of the Yukon Mounties, be extra nice. He's already pissed off because they make him wear that stupid hat. 
You can't blame Dan for being a little touchy. But the Top Brass say there is a tactical advantage to wearing a stupid hat. 
It makes criminals think: This guy must be really hate wearing that stupid hat. One wrong move - even a snicker - could set him off. So, I better be extra nice.

Friday, January 17, 2020

Police Pursuit - ๐Ÿฉ

In the news...

The Sprawling Police Department has set a new state record for the number of police officers involved in a high-speed pursuit: seventy-nine.

It all started Tuesday afternoon when Officer Earl Filbert responded to a shoplifting call at Walmart. The suspect fled the scene in a white Ford Focus. Filbert immediately called for back-up. Lots and lots of back-up.

The SPD pursued the suspect with forty-two patrol cars, thirteen motorcycles, and a helicopter. Other official resources included two armored SWAT vans and five of those three-wheel scooters that are used for parking meter enforcement. 

Eleven off-duty officers jumped into three taxis for the chase, and one sergeant took a Lyft. A foursome of retired cops followed in a golf cart. Nine new deputies were sworn in and sent off on horses. 

The suspect was eventually stopped on Highway 15 when cops used a prison bus to perform a PIT maneuver.

Wednesday, January 15, 2020

Cops Don't Blink #3 - ๐Ÿฉ

The inside story...

Did you know cops can be written up for using turn signals while driving a patrol car? It goes on their records as infraction of official policy rule 538-B, and it can affect their eligibility for promotion. 

Last week on the freeway, a sheriff's car in front of me changed lanes and the turn signal light blinked. I was surprised and puzzled by such a rare occurrence.

So, I called the Sprawling Sheriff's Department garage and asked Supervisor Hank Foley for the inside story. He said most patrol cars have their turn signal levers removed at the factory but some slip through. "My mechanics can't remove a lever without a work order," continued Foley, "One rookie deputy claimed he 'accidentally' bumped the lever with his knee. They wrote him up on a 538-B and the next day I got a work order to yank it."

I thanked Foley and hung up. It seems that, after a few years on the job, law enforcement officers forget about signaling, even in their private cars. So, if you see a private car on the road, and the driver doesn't signal, it's probably an off-duty cop.

Comments - Larry - I got a ticket for failing to signal. I told the sheriff about your blog and that I understood why he didn't use his signals when on duty. His name is Deputy Myron Fooster. You might be hearing from him.

Monday, January 13, 2020

Cops Don't Blink #2 - ๐Ÿฉ

Behind the scenes...

Sergeant Fluster of the Sprawling Police Department called me about my recent post. He confirmed that turn signal levers are removed from police cars at the factory. 

"It would be risky," Fluster said, "for officers on patrol to advertise their intentions to any criminals in the area. The absence of the levers prevents accidental signaling."

The sergeant added, "We have to keep the bad guys guessing."