Monday, February 17, 2020

Tooth Fairy - 📌

A question...

If children can get cash for lost teeth, why stop there?

Say a child gets a haircut. He could put the snipped-off hair in a Ziploc, and put it under his pillow, and get some cash from the Hair Fairy.

How about money for clipped fingernails? Or tonsils? And what kid hasn't fallen off a bicycle and skinned his knee? A few days later there is a big crusty scab. Don't you think that should be worth at least five bucks to the Scab Fairy?

Friday, February 14, 2020

Gas Pass - 💘

🚔Good advice...

Dear Murkyman,

I was on a third date with a woman, and we were kissing good night, and everything was going great, until she ripped a loud, stinky fart. She was very embarrassed and kept apologizing. I really like her, but it was totally gross. What should I do?
                                       Confused Guy

Dear Confused Guy,

Marry that woman! If you grant her Prenuptial Toot Amnesty, you will be able to discharge flatus freely in your own home for the rest of your wedded life. And, you will have what every husband needs for domestic tranquility: Fart Blanche.

Wednesday, February 12, 2020

Kissing Errors - 💘

A beginner's guide...

Between lovers, the most common kiss is the Hello or Good-bye Kiss. It's a brief, slightly puckered, right-on-the-lips kiss that ends with a crisp smacking or smoochy sound. The timing of the smoochy sound is crucial to a successful kiss.

Pre-smack occurs when one or both of the lovers make the smooching sound before their lips touch. This error might be interpreted as eagerness but doing it more than once will be seen as clumsy.

Smack Lag happens when the smooching sound comes after the lips separate. This could suggest someone was so enthralled they forgot to smack, or perhaps their mind was somewhere else altogether.

These kissing errors can be avoided with a little practice. Once you and your lover have perfected Simal Smack you will be smooching like Romeo and Juliet.

Monday, February 10, 2020

Part of Me - 💘

For the record...

My wife and I were trying to remember the details of our first date. "Part of me wants to say we went out for pizza," she said. 

Part of her? What part of her could be speaking out on its own? And what about her other parts? Did some parts of my wife disagree with the part that wanted to say pizza? Was there a part of her that wanted to say we had sushi? 

Well, I don't want any of my parts speaking out on their own. If they can't reach a consensus, a person's parts should keep quiet. With that in mind, all of me wants to say - and I'm unanimous on this -  we had pizza.

Friday, February 7, 2020

Spousal Correction - 💘

For the record...

I ordered my lunch at the counter and sat down at a small table to wait. Next to me was a friendly-looking couple. 

We made small talk (as strangers will do) and the man said, "Our youngest son is a professor and he lives in..."

Then his wife interjected, “Actually, he's an assistant professor.”

Without pause the man said, Actually, he's an associate professor,” then continued telling me about their son.

It was a great moment. I had just witnessed a perfectly-executed Double Spousal Correction. And they were perfectly okay with it, which I took as a sign of a happy marriage.

Monday, February 3, 2020

To Die For - 💘

At the restaurant...

It was the young couple's first date. Becky eyed the dessert menu, "The cherry cake here is simply to die for."

"I wonder if they serve it with ice cream," said Michael.

"Oh, I'd kill for a piece with ice cream," said Becky.

"Didn't your profile say you had a weakness for Irish coffee?" asked Michael.

"Oh, yes! Irish coffee will be the death of me," exclaimed Becky.

This would be their last date. Michael thought Becky was rather morbid and possibly dangerous to herself and others.

Comments - 

Lynn Q. - I think Michael had grave doubts about Becky. lol

Terri C. - He could have said he was "dead tired" and took her home early.