Friday, November 16, 2018

Movies on Demand -

Another thing...

My cable TV service offers movies "on-demand." Why do they have to put it that way? I don’t demand things. Does the cable company think I'm pounding my fist on the table and demanding that I get a movie, and that I get it right now?

Sometimes I insist, but I rarely demand, especially when it comes to movies. I might request a movie. Why can’t they offer movies by request? Or movies on a whim?

I say to the cable company: “How about a movie tonight, if it’s not too much trouble? Or I could watch a PBS documentary. Whatever works for you.”

Wednesday, November 14, 2018

Porch Robbers -

Prime concern...

My neighbors are upset about Amazon packages disappearing from their porches. Somebody has been stealing their online purchases as fast as they are delivered. And it's getting worse.

A community meeting was held to address the problem. Most people thought the best line of defense would be to install security cameras. So everybody went home, got online, and ordered security cameras. From Amazon.

Monday, November 12, 2018

Rescue Dog -

Out and about...

I took my pooch to the park. A lady with a Spaniel paused to let our dogs sniff each other's butts.

"Is your dog a rescue dog?" the lady asked?

"No, he never rescued anyone," I replied.

"I mean, was your dog rescued?" she asked.

"No," I answered.

"Well, didn't you rescue him?" she asked.

"No, some nice people had some puppies and we took one," I said.

"But your poor dog could have been, abandoned, abused, and on the brink of death, right?" she pressed.

"Unlikely," I said.

"Then you did rescue him from horrible possibilities," she declared with some satisfaction.

"Probably not," I said, walking on down the path.

"Yes, sir!" the lady called after me, "That is one lucky rescue dog you have there."

Friday, November 9, 2018

Elite Correct -

Social media tip...

These days in America you don't want to be taken for an Intellectual and concealing your education is not easy when you use proper grammar.

That's why you should protect yourself with Elite Correct - the app that automatically edits your email and text messages, and replaces "you're" with "your."

Because the simple English contraction you learned in third grade can spell real trouble in these changing times.

Let's say you type:"You're awesome." That could peg you as an Elitist. Not to worry. Elite Correct automatically amends your hoity-toity message to read: "Your awesome," so you don't come across as a pretentious snob or (even worse) a progressive.

Also download Heathen Correct to hide your lack of religion. If you text, "I'm so lucky," Heathen Correct automatically substitutes, "I'm so blessed."

Your welcome.

Monday, November 5, 2018

Missionary Guys -

Field report...

Elders Tim and Scotty were excited about going on mission until they were assigned to work in Hell where untold horrors lurked behind every door.

And, even in Hell where poor souls are most desperately in need of salvation, the boys got a chilly reception, if such a thing is possible in Hell. 

As Tim and Scotty trudged bravely through the netherworld, wondering how things would be different if they had been born into families that were Methodist, Lutheran, or even Baptist, they also wondered what Jill and Brenda were doing back at home, and yet, they pressed on.

Friday, November 2, 2018

Tattoo Removal -

On the road...

When his Harley hit a pothole, Chuck suddenly found himself sliding down the asphalt road without his motorcycle. The rugged biker figured this was a good chance to rid himself of an unwanted tattoo, which happened to be the name of his former old lady, Loretta.

As he slid along, Chuck pressed his meaty bicep to the pavement to grind off the inky memento. Later at the hospital doctors covered the abrasion with a patch of skin from Chuck's right butt cheek.

Chuck says he'll replace the erased tattoo with the name of his new girlfriend: Becky.

And, if Chuck ever breaks up with Becky, well, he still has another butt cheek.