Friday, August 7, 2020

Side Stabber - 🔍

Unkindest cut...

As a seasoned political advisor, Wayne knew to watch out for Back Stabbers, an ever-present threat, especially in politics. However, he never suspected the lesser-known, and even more insidious threat: Side Stabbers.

Wayne had encountered Wedgie Givers, Noogie Givers, Butt Kickers, and Two-finger Eye Pokers. He had even been pantsed, twice. But worst of all was the Side Stabbing. Because it was a thrust delivered by Dusty Higgs, who for over twenty years had been Wayne's right-hand man.

Wednesday, August 5, 2020

Whaling Jobs - 🔍

Policy shift - 

After assuring the America's coal industry that it is still viable, The President has cancelled all international agreements on the harvesting of whales.

"We are going to start harpooning again in this country," he declared. "Thousands of whales migrate along our shores and we do nothing. So unfair to generations of our whaling families."

The Chief Executive also ordered whale-oil lamps installed in all federal building. He tweeted that public school cafeterias should serve blubber twice a week.

And the President hasn't forgotten the tobacco farmers saying he will lower the legal age for buying cigarettes to seven.

Monday, August 3, 2020

Elite Correct - 🔍

Social media tip...

These days in America you don't want to be taken for an Intellectual and concealing your education is not easy when you use proper grammar.

That's why you should protect yourself with Elite Correct - the app that automatically edits your email and text messages, and replaces "you're" with "your."

Because the simple English contraction you learned in third grade can spell real trouble in these changing times.

Let's say you type:"You're awesome." That could peg you as an Elitist. Not to worry. Elite Correct automatically amends your hoity-toity message to read: "Your awesome," so you don't come across as a pretentious snob or (even worse) a progressive.

Also download Heathen Correct to hide your lack of religion. If you text, "I'm so lucky," Heathen Correct automatically substitutes, "I'm so blessed."

Your welcome.

Wednesday, July 29, 2020

Quarantined - 📌

At the workplace...

Lenny was always loafing around the office. He lingered in the break room; he chatted with the receptionist; he tended the plants on his desk. Lenny had a knack for avoiding work. 

And, now that his company is doing everything online, Lenny is loafing from home.

Monday, July 27, 2020

Ants To Go - 📌

Community happenings... 
Ants are a big problem in our neighborhood. Everybody is trying to get rid of them. In fact, the guy next door is having his whole house tented. 
He said we could take our ants over to his house and have them killed at the same time.

Friday, July 24, 2020

Police Pursuit - 🍩

In the news...

The Sprawling Police Department has set a new state record for the number of police officers involved in a high-speed pursuit: seventy-nine.

It all started Tuesday afternoon when Officer Earl Filbert responded to a shoplifting call at Walmart. The suspect fled the scene in a white Ford Focus. Filbert immediately called for back-up. Lots and lots of back-up.

The SPD pursued the suspect with forty-two patrol cars, thirteen motorcycles, and a helicopter. Other official resources included two armored SWAT vans and five of those three-wheel scooters that are used for parking meter enforcement. 

Eleven off-duty officers jumped into three taxis for the chase, and one sergeant took a Lyft. A foursome of retired cops followed in a golf cart. Nine new deputies were sworn in and sent off on horses. 

The suspect was eventually stopped on Highway 15 when cops used a prison bus to perform a PIT maneuver.