Monday, January 18, 2021

Caller IQ -

Tech news...

I got a new smart phone that has Caller IQ. It shows me who is calling and how intelligent they are. I adjusted the level to screen out people who aren't very bright and it was working great. Until yesterday.

That's when I misplaced my smart phone in the house. I searched everywhere and finally tried using the land line to call the damn thing. But I couldn't get through. My own smart phone had blocked me.

Friday, January 15, 2021

Rescuing Lobsters -

 At the restaurant...

Acting on a tip, Animal Control Officers raided the Bib & Cracker Cafe and found 137 live Maine lobsters in an over-crowded glass tank. 

The captive crustaceans were taken to the County Shelter for health checks and will be available for adoption by the public.

"We hope to place these lobsters in new homes with nice families," said Staff Veterinarian, Wanda Wilson, "We already have a waiting list."

Lucky adopters will be limited to three rescue lobsters per household. They must bring a suitable container and make a donation of $23.00 per pound.

Wednesday, January 13, 2021

Making Happy -

On the town...

I asked our waiter to bring some water. He said, “I’d be more than happy to.” Apparently, bringing water doesn’t just make him happy. It makes him more than happy. But I’m left to wonder, how much more? Is he thrilled? Elated? Jubilant? He doesn’t say.

All we know is that he is somewhere beyond happiness. Perhaps he is gleeful, ecstatic, or joyful. Bringing water might make him overjoyed. Like, his joy runneth over. How much over? We can only guess.

Monday, January 11, 2021

Liking Lactose -

In dignant...

Today my doctor said I'm lactose intolerant. That's ridiculous. I've never had anything against lactose.

Oh, sure, lactose can be a little annoying, and I may have been a tad impatient with it at times, but, intolerant? Never.

You just name one time when I said anything bad about lactose. Have you ever heard me complaining about lactose? Of course not.

I'm fine with lactose. I even get along with sucrose, fructose, glucose, and all the other -oses. Except dextrose. I will not put up with dextrose. Not for a minute. Dextrose is where I draw the line.

Friday, January 8, 2021

Catching Salmon -

In the woods...

Hi, Everyone: I'm here at stream side where insulated metal boxes have been installed on the river banks. As you can see, the local bears are filling them with salmon. When a bear puts his fresh catch in the top of the box, a bowl of porridge comes out of a chute on the side.

With me now is Phil Fobus of Northwest Fisheries. Phil, I hear there is a thriving market for bear-caught salmon.

"That is correct, Bob. Chains like Whole Groceries cater to a clientele that prefers more a more natural method of harvesting. Net-caught salmon, and line-caught salmon leave a big carbon footprint. Not so much with bear-caught salmon. Just some tracks in the mud."

Comments -

Bradly M. - I hear they're out-sourcing this to China because pandas will work for less.

Wednesday, January 6, 2021

Bashing PiƱatas -

At the park...

I was walking the dogs around the neighborhood park when I noticed a little kid's birthday party, and the most barbaric ritual. 

The adults had strung up Winnie the Pooh. The beloved icon of childhood swung in the breeze and smiled down innocently at the kids - the same kids who had often snuggled with their Pooh Bears and drifted off to slumber feeling safe and contented. Now they were being directed to whack Winnie with a stick.

I walked on thinking how confusing this must be for little kids. Farther down the path I saw some children giving a terrible beating to Sponge Bob.