Friday, September 13, 2019

Movies on Demand -

Another thing...

My cable TV service offers movies "on-demand." Why do they have to put it that way? I don’t demand things. Does the cable company think I'm pounding my fist on the table and demanding that I get a movie, and that I get it right now?

Sometimes I insist, but I rarely demand, especially when it comes to movies. I might request a movie. Why can’t they offer movies by request? Or movies on a whim?

I say to the cable company: “How about a movie tonight, if it’s not too much trouble? Or I could watch a PBS documentary about duck migration. Whatever works for you.”

Wednesday, September 11, 2019

Rapture Plan -

Heads up...

To: Murky Vista Elem. Staff
From: Dr. Flumsy, Principal
Re: Emergency Rapture Plan

If the rapture occurs during school hours, some staff members will no longer be available to supervise the students who are left behind, although we can probably count on Mrs. Feldman who has agreed to lead the Rapture Response Team.

Rapture procedure:

A. Fire and brimstone will rain down on the campus. Shelter in place.

B. Horsemen will ride wildly through the corridors. Go to lock down.

C. Demons will come for the un-saved. Start praying.*

*All rules against prayer in school will be suspended at this time.

Monday, September 9, 2019

Praising God -

From the underground...
Larry Wilbert, second from right, with his praise group.

Larry Wilbert has had enough of praising God. 

In a smuggled letter Wilbert revealed that life in Heaven is nothing but praising God all day long. 

"I don't mean to sound ungrateful," wrote Wilbert, "but this constant flattering gets old after a while, and God never gets enough of it. 

"God never says, 'Aw, gee, I'm blushing. You guys are too kind. Really, too kind. Thank you, but really guys, why don't you take a short break?'"

Wilbert added that sometimes he thinks about praising God for eternity, and he wonders if Hell could be much worse.

Friday, September 6, 2019

Fatal Fractions -

To: Fourth-Grade Teachers
From: Flora Fustabustus, District Math Guru
RE: Handy Tip

Student interest goes up when you personalize math lessons. Try using your students' names in word problems. 

Here's an example:

Marie went to the Halloween Carnival. Inside the Haunted House she saw a Vampire that scared her half to death. Next, she saw a Zombie that scared her three-eights to death. If Marie met a Werewolf, what fraction of a scare would it take to finish off poor Marie?

Be Creative and have fun,


Wednesday, September 4, 2019

GATE Notification - A Murky Memo

Letter from school...

Dear Certain Parents,

As a result of recent test scores, and other factors that are too confusing to explain, your child has qualified for Gifted And Talented Education, or GATE.

Now, before you get too excited, please try to remember that all children are smart in their own ways. GATE is just another way of being smart. Smart is a relative term.

For example, we have some extra smart students (not yours) who qualify for Brilliant And Spectacular Education. And a few children (also, not yours) who score high enough to reach Ingenious And Amazing Education. And there is an even higher level of smartness that we can't tell you about.

So, just be cool and know that your child, like most children these days, is pretty smart, considering. Next week the teachers will give all the GATE students some extra homework or something.


Dr. F. Fadder, Bfd, Psychologist

Sprawling School District

Monday, September 2, 2019

Bee Problem - a Murky Memo

Staff notice...

To: Murky Vista Elementary School - All Staff
From: Dr. Flumsy, Principal
RE: Bee problem

We all know what happened to Mrs. Fleasy last week with the bees. Hopefully, she will return to her classroom in time to prepare her students for the Standardized Cumulative Assessment and Rating Yardstick, or as I like to call it, the SCARY test.

Update on the bees: the maintenance guys located the hive deep within the walls of Room F-6. However, the usual methods of removal have been unsuccessful. Advice was sought on a cost-effective, natural remedy to this dangerous infestation.

On Monday a contractor will introduce approximately one hundred black widow spiders into the spaces between the walls. Since spiders eat bee larvae, everything should be back to normal soon.