Monday, October 21, 2019

Achievement Gap - a Murky Memo

-->Call to action...

To: All teachers
From: Dr. Flumsy, Principal
Re: Closing the Achievement Gap

I just received Murky Vista's 2017 CST scores and once again our more-advantaged students scored higher than our less-advantaged students. Despite our best efforts, we are failing to close the Achievement Gap. Perhaps it’s time for a different approach.

So far, we've been trying to raise the low scores. Maybe it would be easier to lower the high scores. Obviously we can't stop teaching the more-advantaged students completly, but we can confine their instruction to Worst Practices. After all, we don't want to be in violation of the No Child Gets Too Far Ahead Act.

At Friday's staff meeting we will brainstorm ways to keep our more-advantaged students from learning anything new until our less-advantaged kids can catch up. So, put on your thinking caps and bring your best ideas for bad teaching.

Friday, October 18, 2019

Near Death Experience -

A close call...

Mike was on the operating table when his heart stopped beating and he was technically dead. Mike says he saw a long tunnel, a bright light, and some angels. Suddenly, his heart restarted and he came back to life.

People told Mike that his reprieve was part of God's plan. They said he must have some unfulfilled purpose here on Earth. 

Since then, Mike actively avoids fulfilling that purpose, whatever it might be. He just hangs around the house, and does nothing all day. Because any random accomplishment, even an accidental good deed, could be fatal, and Mike isn't taking any chances.

Wednesday, October 16, 2019

Gross Inflation -

A timely tip...

Are you accumulating more Halloween crap each year? Now you can simplify your October decorating with giant inflatable yard displays.

Just throw a few frightful forms on your front lawn, run a few extension cords, and you're done. 

After Halloween the fun continues as you switch out Dracula for an inflated Santa. And it's just as easy to pack up Frankenstein's Laboratory and plug in a complete Bethlehem Manger Scene.

Monday, October 14, 2019

Fatal Fractions -

To: Fourth-Grade Teachers
From: Flora Fustabustus, District Math Guru
RE: Handy Tip

Student interest goes up when you personalize math lessons. Try using your students' names in word problems. 

Here's an example:

Marie went to the Halloween Carnival. Inside the Haunted House she saw a Vampire that scared her half to death. Next, she saw a Zombie that scared her three-eights to death. If Marie met a Werewolf, what fraction of a scare would it take to finish off poor Marie?

Be Creative and have fun,


Friday, October 11, 2019

Part of Me -

For the record...

My wife and I were trying to remember the details of our first date. "Part of me wants to say we went out for pizza," she said. 

Part of her? What part of her could be speaking out on its own? And what about her other parts? Did some parts of my wife disagree with the part that wanted to say pizza? Was there a part of her that wanted to say we had sushi? 

Well, I don't want any of my parts speaking out on their own. If they can't reach a consensus, a person's parts should keep quiet. With that in mind, all of me wants to say - and I'm unanimous on this -  we had pizza.

Wednesday, October 9, 2019

Porch Robbers -

Prime concern...

My neighbors are upset about Amazon packages disappearing from their porches. Somebody has been stealing their online purchases as fast as they are delivered. And it's getting worse.

A community meeting was held to address the problem. Most people thought the best line of defense would be to install security cameras. So everybody went home, got online, and ordered security cameras. From Amazon.