Wednesday, December 11, 2019

Say Merry Christmas -

Free at last...

In your face!
Thanks to the President, Americans can now say "Merry Christmas" without fear of persecution. We will no longer be fired from our jobs, thrown in jail, or run out of town because we dared to acknowledge the birth of Jesus Christ.

Finally, it is safe to utter the formerly-forbidden words: "Merry Christmas" without being stoned to death, burned at the stake, or dragged through the streets and fed to wild dogs.

For good measure, the Commander in Chief has banned the expressions "Happy Holidays" and "Season's Greetings" from all military installations, federal offices, and national parks.

Once again, we are free to wish anyone a Merry Christmas whether they're Christians, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, or Jews. And no more of that "Feliz Navidad" crap. It's Christmas, for Christ's sake!

Monday, December 9, 2019

Christmas Shopping -

At Target...

Here's Ted and Dorris buying for people. 

"We only have three more people to buy for," says Doris. "What should we buy for Craig?

"I don't know," says Ted, "Craig is hard to buy for."

You hear "buy for" a lot at Christmastime. Well, I say stop buying for people. Let them buy their own stuff. Because, unless they specify each item's exact brand and model number, they will unwrap a lot of unwanted crap for Christmas.

Then they will flock to the stores and exchange their gifts for something they actually want. But, this doesn't discourage Craig's folks from buying for him. Because, while Greg may be hard to buy for, Target is easy to return for.

Friday, December 6, 2019

Christmas Strangling -

In the news...

Homicide detectives don't have a suspect in the Barbara Brown murder, but they may have discovered the killer's motive: the annual Brown Family Christmas Letter.
Merry Christmas from the Browns

"Ms. Brown's mailing list gives us almost a hundred suspects," said Inspector Hoskins of the Sprawling Police Department, "Anyone of them could be guilty of choking the life out of her."

Hoskins said the letter includes  such items as, Robbie's teacher think he's advanced and his father is quick to take credit, lol.

"That alone points to homicide," said Hoskins, "Justifiable homicide, but homicide nonetheless."

Wednesday, December 4, 2019

Misgivings -

Yule tidings...

Santa always got it wrong. When my Christmas list clearly specified G.I. Joe, he brought me Sergeant Dan. I asked for Lincoln Logs, but Saint Nick delivered Hamilton Blocks instead.

This cruel yule tradition continued into my teens. Instead of Rubber Soul Santa gave me Wayne Newton Sings the Beatles. And even though I specified English Leather, I received Avon's Wild Country.
Santa isn't very particular about what he puts in his bag. An elf brings the boss a cheap knock-off and Santa says, "Close enough."  This year I am hoping for the latest iPad, but I wouldn't be surprised to get an Etch-A-Sketch.

Monday, December 2, 2019

Christmas Stalkings -

Yule tidings...

A small drone has been following me everywhere. I first noticed it while walking the dog. Yesterday it came right into the house. It sees me when I'm sleeping. It knows when I'm awake. It must belong to Santa.

I'm worried that Santa is miffed about my Santa Flaws posts. What if he thinks I'm in the war on Christmas? What if Santa's drone is checking me twice?

Just to be on the safe side, whenever Santa's drone comes around, I start singing Away in a Manger, and I shout loudly to my neighbors, "Merry Christmas!" and I don't wish anybody "Happy Holidays."

Because, you never know what a drone can do.

Friday, November 29, 2019

Praising God -

From the underground...
Larry Wilbert, second from right, with his praise group.

Larry Wilbert has had enough of praising God. 

In a smuggled letter Wilbert revealed that life in Heaven is nothing but praising God all day long. 

"I don't mean to sound ungrateful," wrote Wilbert, "but this constant flattering gets old after a while, and God never gets enough of it. 

"God never says, 'Aw, gee, I'm blushing. You guys are too kind. Really, too kind. Thank you, but really guys, why don't you take a short break?'"

Wilbert added that sometimes he thinks about praising God for eternity, and he wonders if Hell could be much worse.