Wednesday, June 19, 2019

P.E. Trouble - a Murky Memo

A Murky Memo

To: Teachers
From: Dr. Flumsy, Principal
Re: Physical Education Requirements

I am in big trouble and I need your help. The superintendent just called and she is hopping mad at Yours Truly. It seems I forgot to have you record your students' P.E. minutes on some forms that were due yesterday. Now, I can't even find the forms.

Today - while your kids are prepping for the next test - get some paper and list any physical activity they perform. That might include raising their hands, getting out their books, throwing a wad of paper at the trashcan, whatever... Just give me a list soon as you can.

Sorry for the screw-up,

Dr. Flumsy, Principal

Monday, June 17, 2019

Elite Correct -

Social media tip...

These days in America you don't want to be taken for an Intellectual and concealing your education is not easy when you use proper grammar.

That's why you should protect yourself with Elite Correct - the app that automatically edits your email and text messages, and replaces "you're" with "your."

Because the simple English contraction you learned in third grade can spell real trouble in these changing times.

Let's say you type:"You're awesome." That could peg you as an Elitist. Not to worry. Elite Correct automatically amends your hoity-toity message to read: "Your awesome," so you don't come across as a pretentious snob or (even worse) a progressive.

Also download Heathen Correct to hide your lack of religion. If you text, "I'm so lucky," Heathen Correct automatically substitutes, "I'm so blessed."

Your welcome.

Friday, June 14, 2019

Power Thanking -

In the workplace...

Larry and Fred worked as equals in the company's Maintenance Department until one day, out of the blue, Larry said to Fred, "Thank you for doing such a great job."

Instinctively, Fred replied, "You're welcome," and a new pecking order was established with Larry as the first pecker. Larry had discovered Power Thanking.

Soon, Larry began thanking all of his fellow employees. At first they wondered how it was Larry's place to be thanking them, but it was nice to be appreciated so they went along with it, and the more he thanked them, the more it seemed like everybody was working for Larry. And, then, one day, they were working for him. 

Larry had thanked his way to the top.


Cecilia - Your readers might want to pick up my new book, Management by Thanking and read the chapter on "Thanking Outside the Box."

Wednesday, June 12, 2019

Soccer Goals -

Heads, you win...
On Sunday, twenty-two professional soccer players tried to put a ball through either of two goals. The ball was nine inches in diameter. Each goal opening was eight feet high and twenty-four feet wide. 

And yet, after ninety minutes of world-class play, and after taking almost forty shots directly at the gaping goals, the athletes had managed to scored a total of three points. 

And whenever a ball suddenly careened into the nets, nobody was more surprised than the players. Some jumped around in the gleeful jubilance of people who had just won the lottery. 

Soccer goals are so random and haphazard they seem to be made by lucky accident. Might as well let the coin toss decide the winner and skip all the running around. The outcome would be just as valid and everyone could start victory celebrations ninety minutes sooner. 

Monday, June 10, 2019

Massive Procession -

 Broken news...

More than 250 ice cream trucks and vans came from three states to form a massive funeral procession in honor Frank Fleeter, a frozen novelty vendor who died on Saturday.

"We got the idea from law enforcement," said Vernon Brown who organized the event. "It's an awesome tribute: a really long line of ice cream vehicles, flashing their flashers and blaring musical jingles - all in an emotional farewell to a brother few of us ever met." 

"I don't mean to say ice cream vendors are on a par with police officers," explained Brown, "but such an extravagant show of solidarity is a comfort to any family that is suffering a loss."

Thousands of people were attracted by the musical jingles and lined the streets to view the procession. Traffic was delayed for miles around as the trucks kept stopping to sell ice cream.

Friday, June 7, 2019

I want to say -

At the aquarium... 

I asked the docent: "How many species of penguins are there?

Docent: "Hmmmm,  I want to say seventeen."

Me: You want to say seventeen?

Docent: Yes, that is the number I want to say. In fact, I yearn to say seventeen. I am experiencing a powerful urge to say seventeen, but something is holding me back.

Me: So, how many do you think there are?

Docent: Well, there is a strong desire within me to say there are seventeen species of penguins, but I just can't quite get there.

Me: Don't worry; I'll Google it. By the way, what time does the aquarium close?