Wednesday, March 20, 2019

Near Death Experience -

A close call...

Mike was on the operating table when his heart stopped beating and he was technically dead. Mike says he saw a long tunnel, a bright light, and some angels. Suddenly, his heart restarted and he came back to life.

People told Mike that his reprieve was part of God's plan. They said he must have some unfulfilled purpose here on Earth. 

Since then, Mike actively avoids fulfilling that purpose, whatever it might be. He just hangs around the house, and does nothing all day. Because any random accomplishment, even an accidental good deed, could be fatal, and Mike isn't taking any chances.

Monday, March 18, 2019

New Report Card - a Murky Memo

Letter to the teacher...

Dear Mr. Ficklesworth,

Thank you for sending Felonia's report card home. I know report cards have changed, but I'm puzzled by some of the terms. 
For example, in math you checked the box for “exceeding mastery at below grade-level expectations."

In language arts my daughter was “approaching proficiency in advanced remedial areas," and for science Felonia was “surpassing near competency." About history you indicated “receding progress has improved."

Then there were scores for over fifty tests, exams, and quizzes under the heading of Malevolent Measures. The whole thing made me dizzy. 
Can we meet next week to discuss how Felonia is doing in school? She is passing, isn’t she?


Mrs. Fenortner

Friday, March 15, 2019

Grave Concern -

At the cemetery...

Every Sunday after her husband's death Margaret visited his grave, but somehow, she never got the hoped-for sense of spiritual connectedness. In fact, hardly any feelings emerged as Margaret placed some flowers and spoke softly of love and remembrance.

Until last November. That's when Margaret was mysteriously drawn to another grave, not far away. There the missing emotions flooded her heart. Margaret was also puzzled. She stared at the headstone. The name was not her husband's, however, the date of passing was the same. She gasped... Had the mortuary made a mistake? Had her husband and another man been... switched at at death?

Wednesday, March 13, 2019

Spousal Correction -

For the record...

I ordered my lunch at the counter and sat down to wait at a  table next to a friendly-looking couple. 

We made small talk (as strangers will do) and the man was saying, "Our youngest son is a professor and he lives in..."

His wife interjected, “Actually, he's an assistant professor.”

Without pause the man said, Actually, he's an associate professor,” and he continued to tell me about their son.

It was a great moment. I had just witnessed a perfectly-executed Double Spousal Correction. And they were perfectly okay with it, which I took as a sign of a happy marriage.

Monday, March 11, 2019

Police Pursuit -

In the news...

The Sprawling Police Department has set a new state record for the number of police officers involved in a high-speed pursuit: seventy-nine.

It all started Tuesday afternoon when Officer Earl Filbert responded to a shoplifting call at Walmart. The suspect fled the scene in a white Ford Focus. Filbert immediately called for back-up. Lots and lots of back-up.

The SPD pursued the suspect with forty-two patrol cars, thirteen motorcycles, and a helicopter. Other official resources included two armored SWAT vans and five of those three-wheel scooters that are used for parking meter enforcement. 

Eleven off-duty officers jumped into three taxis for the chase, and one sergeant took a Lyft. A foursome of retired cops followed in a golf cart. Nine new deputies were sworn in and sent off on horses. 

The suspect was eventually stopped on Highway 15 when cops used a prison bus to perform a PIT maneuver.

Friday, March 8, 2019

Rapture Plan -

Heads up...

To: Murky Vista Elem. Staff
From: Dr. Flumsy, Principal
Re: Emergency Rapture Plan

If the rapture occurs during school hours, some staff members will no longer be available to supervise the students who are left behind, although we can probably count on Mrs. Feldman who has agreed to lead the Rapture Response Team.

Rapture procedure:

A. Fire and brimstone will rain down on the campus. Shelter in place.

B. Horsemen will ride wildly through the corridors. Go to lock down.

C. Demons will come for the un-saved. Start praying.*

*All rules against prayer in school will be suspended at this time.