1. Whatever doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger.
That's just what Frank Fender said after he was hit by a crosstown bus. There was a truck behind the bus. The truck got him too.
Now Frank spends his days drooling into a bib, peeing through a tube, and waiting for his care-giver to feed him strained bananas.
Frank is neither dead, nor stronger. And every time he hears that dopey saying about what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, Frank's left eye starts twitching, because that's about all he can do.
2. Everything happens for a reason.
Concert Violinist Fred Foster was a busy man - always in a hurry. One Tuesday afternoon, as he shopped at a home improvement center, a thousand-pound sandbag fell on Fred.
Fred underwent seven spine surgeries. He had nine organ transplants. He was in a coma for twenty-three weeks. And Fred would never play the violin again. At times like these, it's comforting to know that everything happens for a reason.
You see, Fred had been rushing through life without pausing to appreciate the little things. But on that fateful Tuesday, right there in the Rock and Gravel section, Thud! Fred got a half-ton wake-up call. And the reason?
Some people say it was the Universe telling Fred to slow down and enjoy life. And Fred would tell you he got the message loud and clear. Because, with his transplanted baboon colon, a bowel movement takes Fred over three hours.
3. God won't give you more than you can handle.
Well, somebody gave Martin Frummer more than he could handle. The poor guy suffered one horrible calamity after another until he went totally insane. And if it wasn't God who handed out the misery, I don't know who else it could have been.
Maybe this expression means God will keep piling on the troubles right up to your breaking point and then back off just a little bit. But it looks like even The Almighty can overestimate one's endurance. Isn't that right, Martin? Martin?
4. If you believe it, you can achieve it.
No, not always. Take Harland Lufner's case for instance. Lufner believed he would definately become CEO of Snap, Shackle, & Link. Lufner really believed it. I mean he really, really, really, really, really believed it. It was a foregone conclusion. A done deal. A fait accompli.
But the board gave the job to the founder's nephew, a guy who never thought he had a chance. And what happened to the very confident Mr. Lufner? He was canned for parking his Mercedes in the spot marked for the CEO.
5. You only regret what you didn't do.
Tell that to Frank Flugg who got ten years in the slammer for something he did do. Frank robbed a bank. Naturally, Frank regrets robbing the bank, but he will get out in five to seven years.
It could have been worse. Frank had plans to kidnap a rich kid for ransom. That could have gotten him the chair. As he sits in his cell, reflecting on his life, Frank doesn't regret not snatching the kid.
Neither does he regret not hijacking a car, not smuggling drugs, not passing counterfeit money, or not doing any of the other crimes that were once on his bucket list. And every time he hears that dopey saying about only regretting what you didn't do, Frank just rolls his eyes and thinks about his next parole hearing.
6. I guess it wasn't my time to go.
Floyd Flounder was the sole survivor when Fatal Airways Flight 454 crashed, killing fifty-five passengers and crew. "I was praying the whole time." gasped Floyd, "God was watching out for me. It's a miracle that I am still alive. I guess it wasn't my time to go."
Well, I'm pretty sure Floyd wasn't the only person who was praying as the DC-4 fell into an alfalfa field near Fresno. The real miracle is how fifty-five other people who had exactly the same "time to go" managed to get on the same flight.
7. There, but for the grace of God, go I.
As the word is used in the Bible, "grace" is a blessing, a gift of benevolence, undeserved and unearned, that is bestowed by God. And I thought: Why didn't the homeless man get some grace? Surely, the Good Lord was aware of his miserable condition.
There's nothing special about me that I should be benefit from God's grace while others are denied. You know, I'd feel a lot more blessed if His grace were spread around more generously.
And on it goes -
These dopey sayings are repeated until they begin to sound wise. Then, one day, we hear one and think: Wait a minute. That's total baloney.