Birthday cake
It's a strange ritual. We tell the
birthday boy or girl to blow out the candles on a cake we are about to
eat. We wouldn't think of having that person blow on the rest of our
food. We don't want anyone breathing all over the ice cream. You know,
we teach our kids to cover their mouths when they cough. We teach them
to use a tissue when they sneeze. But if it's a birthday, light the
candles, make a wish, and pass the germs.
Body parts
My
wife and I were trying to remember the details of our first date. She
spoke slowly: "Part of me wants to say we went out for pizza." Part of
her? What part? What part could be speaking out on its own? And what
about her other parts? Were my wife's parts in disagreement? Was there a
part of her that wanted to say we had sushi? Well, I don't want any of
my parts speaking for the rest of me. My parts should be in total
agreement. If my parts have something to say, they better be unanimous.
Chopped liver
How
did chopped liver get such a bad reputation? It must be the most
maligned of all foods. Even other foods disdain chopped liver. I was at
at a Jewish deli where customers were ordering up all kinds of foods
from the case. Sadly, they were ignoring the kfeltafish. As yet another
lady skipped right over it, the kefelta fish turned to the creamed
herring and asked, "So, what am I, chopped liver?"
Overly happy
I
asked our waiter to bring some water. He said, “I’d be more than happy
to.” Bringing water doesn’t just make him happy. It makes him more than
happy. But I’m left to wonder, how much more? Is he thrilled, elated,
or jubilant? He doesn’t say. All we know is that he is somewhere beyond
happiness. Perhaps he is gleeful, ecstatic, or joyful. Or bringing water
might make him overjoyed. How much over? We can only guess.
From Scratch
Cookies
can be store-bought, or you can buy cookie dough that you bake in your
own oven. You can also make cookies from a mix. But everyone knows the
best cookies are made from scratch. For my birthday I got some cookies
made from scratch. It must have been really good scratch because the
cookies were delicious. Probably the best scratch is made from scratch. I
don't know if they sell ready-made scratch. Honestly, I'm not sure what
scratch is. Maybe it has something to do with chickens.
The Pledge
So,
what’s up with the Pledge of Allegiance? Why do school children have to
repeat it every day? Is it a promise that is only good for twenty-four
hours? Does it wear off over the weekend? And what about the summer?
After a few weeks of going unpledged, do good American kids start
thinking about communism? Over and over, they say it, day after day,
like a mantra, and by the time a kid is out of sixth grade, he's pledged
his allegiance to the flag over a thousand times, like he had to store
up pledges to last the rest his life, because most adults hardly ever
say it.
Worthy Cause
I contributed fifty dollarsto a home for battered fish.
Monthly month
Each
month is special in its own way. Sadly, and all too soon, a month's
time passes and we are into another month. That's why congress should
recognize the specialness of each month by declaring
aMonth-of-the-Month. For example, the Month-of-the-Month for the month
of March could be the month of October. During March the media would
have little October stories to increase October awareness. In July we
could salute April as July's Month-of-the-Month. Maybe congress will
like this idea and make it the Idea-of-the-Year.
Too close
Every
husband owes it to his wife, before he dies, to take her for a ride in
the car and crash into the rear end of another car, hard enough to do
some damage, but not so hard as to injure anyone, and by doing so he
will finally justify the thousands, and thousands, and thousands of
times she warned him about following too close.
Videos on demand
My
cable TV service offers Video On-demand. Why do they have to put it that way? I'm not a demanding person. Does the cable company imagine that I'm pounding
my fist on the table and demanding that I get video, and that I get it
right now? Sometimes I insist, but rarely demand, especially when it
comes to things such as videos.
On a whim, I might "request" a video. Why can’t they offer Videos by Request, or Videos on a Whim? To the cable company I ask, “How
about a video tonight, if it’s not too much trouble? Or, if that's inconvenient, I could watch
the nature channel. Whatever works for you.”
Laughing together
This
couple I know - Frank and Lindsey Weldon - told their therapist that
they just weren't laughing together as they once did. He gave them a
prescription for marital marijuana. Now they laugh together until their
sides hurt. Additionally, Frank has taken up the study his Moody Blue's
album cover Days of Future Past, while Lindsey has a renewed interest in
baking.
Litter logic
We're
dropping my father-in-law at the airport. he is getting his bags
from the trunk when he sees a folded-paper on the ground. Did he drop
it? Could it be his tickets? He picks the paper up and unfolds it. It's
just some pamphlet so he drops it back to the pavement.
The man doesn't consider this littering since the brochure had already been
dropped by someone else. It was pre-littered so he thinks it's perfectly
alright to return the brochure to the street. As if he had never picked
it up.
Preferred customer
A
major grocery store chain gave me a Preferred Customer Card that
entitles me to a discount on many items. Apparently they like me better
than most of their customers. At the check-out the clerk says, “Thank
you, Mr. Wall,” and tells me how much I saved.
Yesterday
I was at the check-out and noticed the woman behind me also had a
Preferred Customer Card. Wow! I mean, what are the odds that there would
be two Preferred Customers in the same check-out line at the same time?
Spooky, huh?
Lactose diagnoses
Today
my doctor said I'm lactose intolerant. That's ridiculous. Why ,I've
never had anything against lactose. Oh, sure, lactose can be a little
annoying, and I may have been a tad impatient at times, but, intolerant?
Name one time when I said anything bad about lactose. Have you ever
heard me telling lactose jokes? Of course not.
I'm fine
with lactose. I even get along with sucrose, fructose, glucose, and all
the rest. Except dextrose. I will not put up with dextrose. Dextrose is
where I draw the line.
Sag Harbor
At
Macy’s they have a full line of women’s clothing called Sag Harbor.
Seriously. You get off the escalator and there is a sign over in that
department that says Sag Harbor. It just seems a littleinsensitive to
me. Saaaag Harbor? If you are going to be insulting, why not just put up
a sign that says Drooping Orchard? Or Hot Flash Bay? You don’t see that
in the men’s department. There is no sign there that says Slumping
Lagoon. Or Receding Ridge. Or Beer Belly Cove.
Muscle memory
I
am new to the game and my golf coach is being very patient. He
explained an important golf term: "muscle memory." The theory is that
you learn a particular movement and you practice it until your muscles
remember and it becomes automatic. So, it seems that my muscles have a
mind of their own. The trouble is that my muscles don't exactly have
total recall. I set up to hit a drive off the tee and my muscles have
only a vague feeling of déjá vu.
Mysterious cracks
The
president announced his slogan for education,"No Child Left Behind,"
and said too many kids were falling through the cracks. Where are these
cracks? Was there an earthquake that left cracks, and kids fell into
them, and got left behind as the rest of the students walked to school?
Lassie wouldn't let that happen. There should be a specially trained
collie at every school in America. After the morning bell, the dog would
go around the neighborhood checking in all the cracks, barking for help
when she found kids who had been left behind.
Football fuss
You
know, they could put an end to squabbling down on the field by giving
the teams a second football to play with. I'm sure they could afford to
buy each team its own ball, what with the amount of money they charge
for a hot dog. There is enough fighting up in the stands without the
guys on the field fussing over who gets to play with the ball. Heck,
give each player his own ball and everyone will be happy. Give them a
hot dog, too.
Scrabble junior
uite
a nice game for kids, Scrabble Junior. As children grow up and develop
language skills, they can graduate to regular Scrabble, a game that can
be enjoyed for a lifetime. But I hear the game does get harder for folks
as they get older. That's why the Scrabble company should introduce
"Scrabble Senior". Simply repackage Scrabble Junior in a box that says
Scrabble Senior and you're done.
Tooth fairy
Kids don't believe it. However, they're willingto
go
along with the myth in order to get the cash. They feel the same way
about Santa (for the toys) but let's stick with the tooth fairy. If cash
can be gotten for teeth, why not hair? Kid gets a haircut and puts the
snipped-off locks in a Ziploc under the pillows for some loot. And
clipped fingernails? Tonsils? And what kid hasn't fallen off a bicycle
and skinned his knee? A few days later there is a big old scab. That
should be worth at least five bucks to the scab fairy.
Ford fans
Here
are guys who have decided to join one side or the other in a silly
battle of automotive brands. They put hateful bumper stickers and window
decals deriding the opposing side's logo. Is the Chevy Haters Club the
best group they can identify with? Some guys have an almost religious
devotion to Fords. Do they really see Chevrolet as the Anti-Ford?
Old Navy
This
is an odd name for a clothing store. Is it our navy? Some other
country's navy? Do they sell navy clothes there? Can you buy navy
equipment there? Does the company have any ships? If you go to the Old
Navy store, do you see navy people there? Are they old navy people? And
why aren't there any Old Army stores? I'm just asking.
Drop forged
They
have a wrench at Home Depot. And it has the words "Drop Forged" cast
into the handle. What is Drop Forged? A guy goes into a hardware store
to buy a wrench. He looks at the selection and sees the words, "Drop
Forged." That must be important, right? I mean, why would they put those
words on the handle if Drop Forged was not a good thing to have in a
wrench. Actually, the wrench I have says "Fully Drop Forged." Even
better. Because you don't want one of those Partially Drop Forged
Wrenches that stopped half way to the factory floor and just hung there.
What box?
I
keep hearing how good it is to think outside the box. What box? It must
be some metaphorical box, because I’m thinking right now, and I’m
looking around, and I don’t see any box. Nope. No box. And I don’t seem
to be thinking inside or outside of any jar, can, bottle, or Ziploc bag
either. It’s just me, sitting here at the keyboard, thinking inside my
cranium. Well, sort of thinking. I’m not exactly pushing the envelope to
new intellectual heights. Wait a minute... Why do we say pushing the
envelope?
Winnie who?
"Why
do we say "Winnie the Pooh"? Is it necessary to distinguish Winnie from
other poohs, like, Elroy the Pooh, Bob the Pooh, or Armando the Pooh?
Or are there other Winnies and to avoid confusion we spedify Winnie
the Rat, Winnie the Dolphin, Winnie the Wildebeest?
Bathroom pass
Can
you think of a better way to spread germs than by having kids use a
bathroom pass? The teachers, who certainly know about germs, require
little children to take the pass from a hook and carry it to the
bathroom. The children put it on the sink, they drop it on the floor,
and after they don't wash their hands, they return to the classroom and
hang the pass, a teeming Petri dish of bacteria, back on the hook, where
it waits for the next child who has to go to the bathroom.
Piñata bashing
I
was walking the dogs around the neighborhood park. There I saw the most
barbaric ritual happening at a birthday party for a three-year-old.
The
adults had strung up Winnie the Pooh. He was big, and beautiful, and
smiling his kindly smile, and looking down upon the children who had
always adored him. They were the same little children who had snuggled
down countless nights, tenderly hugging their beloved Pooh Bears while
drifting off to slumber, safe in the glow of their little Winnie the
Pooh nightlights. Now they were being directed to bash Winnie with a
stick.
I walked on thinking how confusing this must be
for little kids. Farther down the path I saw some children giving a
terrible beating to Sponge Bob.
