Monday, January 21, 2019

Smoked Lights -

A wondering...

Somebody had to be the first person to smoke his car's tail lights. There was one original guy - Idiot Zero - who tinted his car's brake and turn-signal lights, thus making them 70% harder for other motorists to see and thereby increasing the likelihood of a rear-end collision.

But the first guy is not the guy who makes me wonder. It's the second guy. Because, the second guy looked at the first guy's darkened tail lights and thought, 'Geee, that's a good idea.' 

I mean, this no-neck moron wasn't even thinking on his own. 

And here's the part that really kills me: These guys, after they intentionally reduce the visibility of their rear lights, still use their blinkers when they turn.

Friday, January 18, 2019

Capital High Jinks -

In the news...

Shut-down negotiations ended abruptly after a series of pranks were pulled in the Oval Office.

Vice President Pence admitted to placing a whoopee cushion on Nancy Pelosi's chair but claimed it was President Trump's idea.

"He told me to do it," said Pence.

Later, the president took full credit for the whoopie cushion, saying he would not blame the Democrats.

"Nancy started it," said Trump.

A White House spokesperson
 said House Speaker Pelosi had greeted the president with a hand buzzer, thereby setting the tone for the meeting.

Other gags included a dribble cup, a can of snakes, and some fake dog poop.

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Freedom to Text -

In the news...

Texting while driving a car is a form of free speech and therefore protected by the First Amendment of the U. S. Constitution.

That's the theory behind the "Freedom to Text" campaign to overturn California's new law against sending text messages while operating a motor vehicle.

"This is the kind of big government over-regulation that is killing our democracy," says citizen advocate, Leo Foister.

Foister warned a slippery slope of regulations that are threatening our rights and destroying our economy. "They won't rest until they confiscate every one of our smart phones," he declared.

Californians who are fed up with government over-reach may send tax-free donations to: Leonard Foister, California Funeral Directors Lobby, Sacramento, CA

Monday, January 14, 2019

Press Conference -

As seen on TV...

Just as the president's press conference was going on the air, word came into the control booth of a police pursuit in progress. The news producer looked at the monitors. Two dramatic spectacles were breaking at the same time. She quickly put both feeds on a split-screen.

America watched the live side-by-side images of the carjacker and the president, neither having respect for the law or regard for public safety, and each careening recklessly toward disaster.

The carjacker swerved into the wrong lanes. A cop quickly performed a PIT maneuver, stopping the suspect's car, and averting disaster.

At the same moment, the president veered away from the teleprompter. But nobody performed a PIT maneuver so the president started saying crazy shit and ran the country into a ditch.

Friday, January 11, 2019

Most Underrated Teacher - A Murky Memo

In the News...

Murky Vista Elementary School's own Frieda Frupp has been named this year's Most Underrated Teacher. The announcement was made at the District Office where Ms. Frupp was more or less praised by Superintendent P. W. Hambone.

"Ms. Frupp's skills and talents exceed our previous estimation of her worth as an educator," said Hambone, "Although she isn't all that great, Ms. Frupp is somewhat better than most people think."

Ms. Frupp was thrilled to receive a framed Certificate of Reappraisal and a $5 gift card for Starbucks.

Wednesday, January 9, 2019

P.E. Trouble - a Murky Memo

A Murky Memo

To: Teachers
From: Dr. Flumsy, Principal
Re: Physical Education Requirements

I am in big trouble and I need your help. The superintendent just called and she is hopping mad at Yours Truly. It seems I forgot to have you record your students' P.E. minutes on some forms that were due yesterday. Now, I can't even find the forms.

Today - while your kids are prepping for the next test - get some paper and list any physical activity they perform. That might include raising their hands, getting out their books, throwing a wad of paper at the trashcan, whatever... Just give me a list soon as you can.

Sorry for the screw-up,

Dr. Flumsy, Principal