Friday, January 21, 2022

Fashion Tease -

The Entrepreneur -

Vicki Lane is the Malibu party stripper who invented the latest rage in pandemic fashion, the Tri-kini. 

"All the guys loved it and wanted Tri-kinis for their wives and girlfriends," said Ms. Lane, "So, I started making them in my garage."

Soon her two sisters, also strippers, and her mother, a retired stripper, were sewing Tri-kinis day and night. Online sales are booming and sales will soar when Tri-kinis hit the beaches next summer.

Despite her sudden success, Vicki isn't about to give up stripping at parties. 

"I just love jumping out of cakes," said Ms. Lane. "I'm a very essential worker and, after all, Covid won't last forever." 

Entrepreneur Vicki Lane has 
created the latest in 

Covid-19 precautions haven't hampered Vicki Lane's

Thanks to recent developments in PPE, Vicki Lane has been able to reopen her mobile business, Strippers to Go.

"I just love my N95 Trikini," gushed Vicki, "The beach-babe-meets-harem-girl is too much fun."

Health officials expect Trikinis will get CDC approval in time for summer.
I'm so happy that I don't have to strip at a drive-thru window anymore.

Wednesday, January 19, 2022

Movies on Demand -

Another thing...

My cable TV service offers movies "on-demand." Why do they have to put it that way? I don’t demand things. Does the cable company think I'm pounding my fist on the table and demanding that I get a movie, and that I get it right now?

Sometimes I insist, but I rarely demand, especially when it comes to movies. I might request a movie. Why can’t they offer movies by request? Or movies on a whim?

I say to the cable company: “How about a movie tonight, if it’s not too much trouble? Or I could watch a PBS documentary about duck migration. Whatever works for you.”

Monday, January 17, 2022

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Friday, January 14, 2022

Gross Indignity - 📌

A simple request...

Dear Family,

    When you are talking about my recent medical procedure, please don't go into all the details. Simply say, "John had some discomfort and he's recovering as expected."
    It isn't necessary to mention any liquids, solids, or semi-solids that may have been spewed, spurted, coughed up, or squeezed out of my body. There is no reason to describe various substances that might have drained, dripped, oozed, gushed, or otherwise expelled by me. Just report, "John is making good progress."

    It isn't helpful to explain any bio matter that was sliced, diced, lasered, gouged out, or scraped off of me. Please don't discuss any tubes, scopes, or probes that were pushed down, shoved up, or inserted into any orifice, nor reveal any discharge of slime, sludge, or sewage that required wiping off, sponging off, mopping up, or hosing down.

    You may think it's necessary to describe the details my procedure, but it's damn embarrassing to me. So, please: thank everyone for asking and tell them, "John is recuperating nicely." That's all you need to say.

Sincerely, John

Wednesday, January 12, 2022

Guardian Angels -

Let's face it...

Guardian Angels are just terrible at their jobs. In fact, the average G.A. is a real slacker. I mean, so many calamities happen to people - you have to wonder what their angels were doing at the time. 

Maybe angels don't take human calamities seriously. Even if we get killed - Bling! - we're in heaven the next minute. What's so bad about that? 

Or, their apparent complacency might stem from fuzzy mission statements.

For example, let's say you're standing on the sidewalk, and a piano is falling from the 23rd floor, and it looks like curtains for you. 

Since everyone knows that God doesn't make mistakes; there are no accidents; and everything happens for a reason... well, what's your Guardian Angel supposed to do? 

Monday, January 10, 2022

Near Death Experience -

A close call...

Mike was on the operating table when his heart stopped beating and he was officially pronounced dead. Suddenly, his heart restarted and he came back to life. Mike reported seeing a long tunnel, a bright light, and some angels. 

Friends said the miracle was part of God's plan and Mike must have some unfulfilled purpose here on Earth. 

Since then, Mike actively avoids fulfilling that purpose, whatever it might be. He just hangs around the house, and does nothing all day. Because any random accomplishment, even an accidental good deed, could be fatal, and Mike isn't taking any chances.