Monday, September 24, 2018

Baby Re-naming -

It's officical... 

September has been declared National Baby Re-naming Month by the U.S. Department of Records. 

So says Director, Oblivia Barnes, "Many new parents give their innocent children really bad names," explained Barnes. "By the time they realize Reebeckah, Bronko, or Sparkle, isn't working, parents find it hard to admit how stupid they were." 

Baby Re-naming Month offers remorseful parents a socially-acceptable bridge back to sanity. For many moms and dads, it's a chance to correct a wrong and save their children from a lifetime of grief. 

The re-naming process will be streamlined for babies born during the past fiscal year. All fees will be waived. Extra staff will be on duty and they promise not to snicker, snort, laugh, or grimace at any child's bad name. 

Here's a link to No Bad Baby Names:

Friday, September 21, 2018

Power Thanking -

In the workplace...

Larry and Fred worked as equals in the company's Maintenance Department until one day, out of the blue, Larry said to Fred, "Thank you for doing such a great job."

Instinctively, Fred replied, "You're welcome," and a new pecking order was established with Larry as the first pecker. Larry had discovered Power Thanking.

Soon, Larry began thanking all of his fellow employees. At first they wondered how it was Larry's place to be thanking them, but it was nice to be appreciated so they went along with it, and the more he thanked them, the more it seemed like everybody was working for Larry. And, then, one day, they were working for him. 

Larry had thanked his way to the top.


Cecilia - Your readers might want to pick up my new book, Management by Thanking and read the chapter on "Thanking Outside the Box."

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

Side Effects -

The fine print...

Are you suffering from itchy elbows? Ask your doctor if Lizora is right for you.

Side effects may include stomach cramps, constipation, diarrhea, and homicidal tendencies. You may feel an urge to commit murder while taking Lizora. Some users have slaughtered their entire families. Stop taking Lizora if you get a rash, or start killing people.

Lizora - it might be just the relief you need.

Monday, September 17, 2018

Service Iguana -

As it happened...

I showed up at the restaurant with an iguana on my shoulder. The hostess, Helga, eyed the reptile and his little cape with a patch that said Service Iguana.

"I'm allowed to ask how your iguana assists you, specifically," she said. 

"It keeps bugs off me," I said.

Helga led me to a table in a side room where she had put people with a service animals. I saw various dogs, a llama, an owl, and two dolphins.

"I don't think you can segregate your customers with service animals," I told her. 

Helga handed me a menu and said, "There's a bug on your neck."

Friday, September 14, 2018

Pine Cones -

Sponsored Health tip...

Get more fiber in your diet by eating a pine cone every day. Simply use a coffee-bean grinder to produce two ounces of pulverized roughage. Try stirring the grounds into Ed's Happy Camper Oatmeal™.

Need even more fiber to prompt your daily movement? Pick up a bag of Ed's Lumber Mill Floor Sweepings™ and follow the easy recipe for Motherlode Muffins. 

You can trust Ed's to break up that log jam faster than you can say Carpe B. M.

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Tooth Fairy -

A question...

If children can get cash for lost teeth, why stop there?

Say a child gets a haircut. He could put the snipped-off hair in a Ziploc, and put it under his pillow, and get some cash from the Hair Fairy.

How about money for clipped fingernails? Or tonsils? And what kid hasn't fallen off a bicycle and skinned his knee? A few days later there is a big crusty scab. Don't you think that should be worth at least five bucks to the Scab Fairy?