Friday, June 22, 2018

Annulling Marriage - Papal Surprise #8

Betty and Walter Woosley can finally end their unhappy marriage of thirty-one years, thanks to the Pope's new Express Annulment.*

As Betty explained: "I simply asked Walter to order our wedding cake and told him it was to be Red Velvet. At the reception - with our whole family watching - we cut the cake and it was Devil's Food. Who the hell orders Devil's Food for a wedding cake? Walter said it was a mistake but trust me, he did that on purpose. Well, we were already married, and we didn't want to get excommunicated, so we stuck it out all these years."

The Woosleys won't have to stick it out much longer because they qualify under Catholic Express Annulment Reason #454 - Early Disgust. "I was disgusted alright," said Betty, "and how was I supposed to know Walter would fart so much on our honeymoon?"**

*Based on actual events or statements by the Pope. 

**Express Annulment Reason #982 - Unanticipated flatulence

Next Friday: Papal Surprise #9

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Half to Death - A Murky Memo

Best practices...

To: Fourth-Grade Teachers
From: Flora Frubb, District Math Guru

Student interest goes up when you personalize math lessons. Try using your students' names in word problems. Here's an example:

Marcos went to the beach. In the water he saw a stingray that scared him half to death. Next, he saw a jellyfish that scared him three-eights to death. If Marcos sees a shark, what fraction of a scare would it take to finish off poor Marcos?

Get creative and have fun,


Murky Memos for teachers are posted every Wednesday.

Monday, June 18, 2018

Rescue Dog -

Out and about...

I took my pooch to the park. A lady with a Spaniel paused to let our dogs sniff each other's butts.

"Is your dog a rescue dog?" the lady asked?

"No, he never rescued anyone," I replied.

"I mean, was your dog rescued?" she asked.

"No," I answered.

"Well, didn't you rescue him?" she asked.

"No, some nice people had some puppies and we took one," I said.

"But your poor dog could have been, abandoned, abused, and on the brink of death, right?" she pressed.

"Unlikely," I said.

"Then you did rescue him from horrible possibilities," she declared with some satisfaction.

"Probably not," I said, walking on down the path.

"Yes, sir!" the lady called after me, "That is one lucky rescue dog you have there."

Sunday, June 17, 2018

Mexico gets lucky - Sunday Extra

Heads, you win...
On Sunday, over twenty-two of the planet's best soccer players tried for ninety minutes to put an 8.6 inch ball through two goals with combined openings of 384 square feet and they could only do it one time. 

Soccer goals are so random and chancy they seem to be made mostly by accident. It's agonizing to watch such haphazard thrashing about for an hour and a half. 

It would be just as good to let the coin toss decide the winner. And you could get the victory celebrations started much sooner. 

Friday, June 15, 2018

Sinning Today - Papal Surprise #7

From the Vatican...

The pope is keeping one step ahead of Church Authorities as he makes yet another surprising pronouncement. His most recent voltafaccia came in Florence where he said people should keep up with their sinning.

"It's easy to fall behind in these busy times," explained the pontiff, "but without sin to get the ball rolling, there is no repentance, atonement, forgiveness, and salvation, and without salvation you're a dead duck."

The Vatican quickly issued a statement saying all people are covered by the Original Sin and the impossible-to-obey Tenth Commandment, and that no additional sinning is needed at this time.

Next Friday: Papal Surprise #8

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Emergency Rapture Plan - A Murky Memo

Heads up...

To: Murky Vista Elem. Staff
From: Dr. Flumsy, Principal
Re: Emergency Rapture Plan

If the rapture occurs during school hours, some staff members will no longer be available to supervise the students who are left behind, although we can probably count on Mrs. Feldman who has agreed to lead the Rapture Response Team.

Rapture procedure:

A. Fire and brimstone will rain down on the campus. Shelter in place.

B. Horsemen will ride wildly through the corridors. Go to lock down.
C. Demons will come for the unredeemed. Start praying.*

*All rules against prayer in school will be suspended at this time.

Murky Memos for teachers are posted every Wednesday.