Monday, December 6, 2021

Merry and Bright - 🎄

No kidding...

There are so many blinking Christmas lights on our block that pilots think it's the airport.

Last night Murky Air Flight 273 landed on our street and taxied into our driveway. Suddenly, our garage was full of baggage. Passengers were trying to rent our cars. I started serving drinks on the patio.

And it's only going to get worse. Our neighbors are gleefully stringing up more lights this morning. Guess I better restock the bar for tonight's rush.

Friday, December 3, 2021

Side Stabber -

The unkindest cut...

As a seasoned political advisor, Wayne knew to watch out for Back Stabbers, an ever-present threat, especially among Republicans. However, he never suspected the lesser-known, and even more insidious threat: Side Stabbers.

Wayne had encountered Wedgie Givers, Noogie Givers, Butt Kickers, and Two-finger Eye Pokers. He had even been pantsed, twice. But worst of all was the Side Stabbing. Because the thrust was delivered by Dusty Higgs, who for over twenty years had been Wayne's right hand man.

Wednesday, December 1, 2021

Chopped Liver -

 Food for no thought...

How did chopped liver get such a bad name? I mean, everybody disdains chopped liver. Even other deli dishes feel superior to chopped liver. Pickled herring - pickled herring - thinks they're better than chopped liver.

Last week I was in a buffet line and people were ignoring the pickled herring as if it wasn't even there.

And a pickled herring said, "So, what am I, chopped liver?"

Monday, November 29, 2021

Dreidel Drama - 🎄

Hannakah news - 

The International Dreidel Society announced its first tournament since a 1956 cheating scandal shocked the world. After his big win in Warsaw, Grand Champion Dreidel Master, Frederick Flambeau, was accused of using a loaded dreidel.

A trial was held in Helsinki where Flambeau defended himself: "Maybe it wasn't a perfect dreidel. I made it out of clay."

Friday, November 26, 2021

War on Thanksgiving - 🎄

Yule tidal wave...

As Christmas invaded November, Thanksgiving applied for an emergency transfer to August, a move that would require approval by two-thirds of the major holidays.  

However, Halloween objected, saying such a retreat would only hasten Yuletide Expansionism and the other holidays would quickly fall like dominos. 

That alarmed Labor Day who joined Independence Day in calling for an immediate vote. Thanksgiving's request for a transfer was defeated seven to four with Hanukah abstaining. 

Breaking News -

Major holidays were stunned today as Christmas gobbled up Thanksgiving, Halloween, and most of Labor Day. 

Easter quickly offered refuge to Saint Patrick's Day. However, Groundhog Day denied Cinco de Mayo's pleas to take sanctuary in February. 

Observers say Christmas is now poised to go year-round.

Wednesday, November 24, 2021

Constant Christmas - 🎄

Alright, let's get this over.
Conspiracy revealed...

We now know that Christmas was behind Black Friday's incursion into November as a ploy to marginalize Turkey Day. Americans are beginning to see Thanksgiving as irrelevant - just a speed bump on the highway to a Holly Jolly Christmas.

If Christmas can squash Thanksgiving, it will certainly set its sights on Halloween as part of its quest for total calendar domination.