Monday, April 12, 2021

The Extra Mile - 📌

 Behind the wheel...

Grandpa Mike is great guy who goes the extra mile, especially when he's driving the church bus and he misses the turn-off. 

Sometimes he misses several turn-offs before anyone notices. But everybody loves
Grampa Mike. They say he's a dedicated volunteer who goes above and beyond. Often, he goes waaaay beyond. 

Friday, April 9, 2021

Worthy Cause - 📌

It's deductable...

I donated fifty dollars to a home for battered fish.

Wednesday, April 7, 2021

Audible Organs - 📌

Now this...

I have a heart murmur that can be heard on quiet nights. My heart seems to be softly murmuring in a low voice about the neighbor's kids, or maybe the neighbor's cat; it's rather muddled. 

That wasn't a problem until recently when I noticed a kidney grumble. I don't know what my kidneys have to grumble about but it's starting to affect my sleep.

The doctor says my other organs are likely to join in now. The addition of spleen whisper will surely keep me awake. And of course, I've had brain babble for years.

Monday, April 5, 2021

Hope of Heaven - ⛪

Sound advice...

If your admission to Heaven is kind of iffy, learn to play the harp before you die. 

Because, when you show up at the Pearly Gates with a harp, Saint Peter is bound be impressed and wave you right in. You can skip the harp lessons and be strumming on a cloud the same day.

A coronet might also get you a pass, but beware: there are no accordion players in Heaven, and bag-pipers go straight to Hell.

Friday, April 2, 2021

Rosary Trouble - ⛪

Crossing the line...

Since I was going to Rome anyway, my friend, Frieda, asked me to buy a rosary at the Vatican and, if possible, have it blessed by the pope.

In the Vatican gift shop, I first picked up a refrigerator magnet. Cast in one gaudy lump were the Colosseum, Tower of Pisa, Statue of David, and a Venetian gondola, all hand-painted, rather crudely.

Then I asked a rather stern woman behind the counter for advice on a rosary and about the blessing procedure: "Write your information on this envelope," she said, "put the rosary inside, and leave it with me. After it is blessed, the rosary will be delivered to your hotel."

The woman left me and I put Frieda's rosary inside. I also slipped the refrigerator magnet into the envelop, thinking it might get a spill-over blessing. But, when the rosary arrived at my hotel, someone had put the magnet in a separate zip-loc with a note: "This item not blessed."

Back home, I put the magnet on the fridge and went to bed. During the night, the refrigerator motor overheated and set off the smoke alarm. The repair bill was $453.

I just hope that's the end of it.

Friday, February 26, 2021

Side Stabber - 🔔

Unkindest cut...

As a seasoned political advisor, Wayne knew to watch out for Back Stabbers, an ever-present threat, especially in politics. However, he never suspected the lesser-known, and even more insidious threat: Side Stabbers.

Wayne had encountered Wedgie Givers, Noogie Givers, Butt Kickers, and Two-finger Eye Pokers. He had even been pantsed, twice. But worst of all was the Side Stabbing. Because it was a thrust delivered by Dusty Higgs, who for over twenty years had been Wayne's right-hand man.