Friday, February 16, 2018

Express Annulment - a Papal Surprise

At laaast... 

Betty and Walter Woosley can finally end their unhappy marriage of thirty-one years, thanks to the Pope's new Express Annulment.

As Betty explained: "I simply asked Walter to order our wedding cake and told him it was to be Red Velvet. At the reception - with our whole family watching - we cut the cake and it was Devil's Food. Who the hell orders Devil's Food for a wedding cake? Walter said it was a mistake but trust me, he did that on purpose. Well, we were already married, and we didn't want to get excommunicated, so we stuck it out all these years."

The Woosleys won't have to stick it out much longer because they qualify under Catholic Express Annulment Reason #454 - Early Disgust. "I was disgusted alright," said Betty, "and how was I supposed to know Walter would fart so much on our honeymoon?"*

*Express Annulment Reason #982 - Unanticipated Flatulence.

For more Papal Surprises... see The Loose Canon under The Murky Pages on right sidebar >>>.

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

To Die For - A warning for Valentine's Day

At the restaurant...

It was the young couple's first date. Becky eyed the dessert menu, "The cherry cake here is simply to die for."

"I wonder if they serve it with ice cream," said Michael.

"Oh, I'd kill for a piece with ice cream," said Becky.

"Didn't your profile say you had a weakness for Irish coffee?" asked Michael.

"Oh, yes! Irish coffee will be the death of me," exclaimed Becky.

This would be their last date. Michael thought Becky was rather morbid and possibly dangerous to herself and others.

Comments - 

Lynn Q. - I think Michael had grave doubts about Becky. lol

Terri C. - He could have said he was "dead tired" and took her home early. 

Monday, February 12, 2018

Part of Me -

For the record...

My wife and I were trying to remember the details of our first date. "Part of me wants to say we went out for pizza," she said. 

Part of her? What part of her could be speaking out on its own? And what about her other parts? Did some parts of my wife disagree with the part that wanted to say pizza? Was there a part of her that wanted to say we had sushi? 

Well, I don't want any of my parts speaking out on their own. If they can't reach a consensus, a person's parts should keep quiet. With that in mind, all of me wants to say - and I'm unanimous on this -  it was pizza.

Friday, February 9, 2018

Gas Pass -

Good advice...

Dear Murkyman,

I was on a third date with a woman, and we were kissing good night, and everything was going great, until she ripped a loud, stinky fart. She was very embarrassed and kept apologizing. I really like her, but it was totally gross. What should I do?
                                       Confused Guy

Dear Confused Guy,

Marry that woman! If you grant her premarital toot amnesty, you will be able to discharge flatus freely in your own home for the rest of your wedded life. And, you will have what every husband needs for domestic tranquility: Fart Blanche.

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

The Writing Process - a Murky Memo

Feedback for you...

To: Murky Vista Teachers
From: Dr. Flumsy, Principal

On my latest creep-through, I noticed some of you not using the current Writing Process Steps. In fact, some of you are teaching steps from last month. We've changed Writing Programs three times since then!

People: Rough Draft? Peer Editing? Revising? Seriously?

Look: we all know it’s hard to get kids to write. That's why the current researched-based Writing Process Steps were designed to match reality in the classroom.

Here are this week's official Writing Process Steps:

1. Denial - I don't know what to write.
2. Anger - You can't make me write.
3. Bargaining - How much do I have to write?
4. Depression - Can I go to the nurse?
5. Acceptance - Is this enough?

Please see these steps are double laminated and posted in your classroom before tomorrow morning. And try to keep up with the changes.

Thank you, or else,

Dr. Flumsy

Monday, February 5, 2018

Small Talk -

I carried my tray from the buffet to a small table and sat down by a friendly-looking couple. 

We made small talk as strangers will do. The man said, "Our son a professor and he lives in..."

His wife interjected, “Actually, he's an assistant professor.”

Without pause the man said, Actually, he's an associate professor,” and he continued to tell me about their son.

It was a rare moment. I had just witnessed a perfectly-executed Double Spousal Correction.