Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Teacher Training - a Murky Memo

From the office...

To: Credentialed Staff
From: Mr. Flumsy, Principal - Murky Vista Elementary School
RE: Teacher training

All teachers are invited to attend a workshop on how to conduct a seminar for planning a conference, however, you must first attend an inservice on presenting symposia. Then you will go to a colloquium and participate in meetings where you will learn how to organize a retreat for the purpose of improving workshops. Or you can just drink this poison.

Murky Memos for teachers are posted every Wednesday.

Monday, December 11, 2017

Merry and Bright - Yule Tidings

No kidding...

There are so many blinking Christmas lights on our block that pilots think it's the airport.

Last night Delta Flight 273 landed on our street and taxied into our driveway. Suddenly, our garage was full of baggage. Passengers were trying to rent our cars. I started serving drinks on the patio.

And it's only going to get worse. Our crazy neighbors are adding more lights every day. The power company is about to blow a fuse. Guess I better restock the bar for tonight's rush.

Friday, December 8, 2017

Santa Flaws #2 - Christmas Shopping

At Target...

"I only have three more people to buy-for," said Doris. 
"Craig is very particular," said Ted, "He is so hard to buy-for."

I say Craig (their grown son) should buy his own stuff. Because, except for the items he specifies right down to the specific brand and model number, Craig is getting crap for Christmas.

Every year Craig receives a bunch of unwanted gifts. A few days later he takes them back to the store. This doesn't discourage Craig's folks from buying for him. They even enclose gift receipts. So, while Greg may be hard to buy-for, Target is easy to return-for.

Next Friday - Santa Flaws #3 - Christmas Stalkings

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

The Gift Exchange -

At the staff party...

Carol announced it was time for the Gift Exchange and twenty-three excited guests settled in around the Christmas Tree. Carol read the rules:

"When it's your turn, you may take a gift from the tree, or you may steal someone else's gift. Then you may keep that gift, or give it to anyone who doesn't already have a gift and steal their number. Or you can steal their seat."

Carol continued: "If you steal someone's seat, they may steal any person's clothes and that person can take a gift from the tree, or steal someone else's clothes. Once a person's clothes have been stolen three times, they must remain naked. The last person to have clothes on wins. And each time anything is stolen, everyone must take a shot of tequila."

Okay? Who has Number One?"

Monday, December 4, 2017

Redeeming Grace -

Neighborhood news...

The family next door has a life-size inflatable nativity scene on their front lawn. Really.

The wise men are there, and the donkey, the camel, and a couple of lambs. Joseph and Mary gaze adoringly at the Baby Jesus. And rising above all is an enormous inflated brontosaurus. 

I called Dr. F. L. Sloan, a bible scholar, who assured me that there was indeed a dinosaur present in the manger on that holiest of nights. The female behemoth was known around Bethlehem as Grace.

Dr. Sloan explained: "Much later, when the story was put down on parchment, the scribes omitted the dinosaur out of concern that some people might find that part hard to believe." Really.

Friday, December 1, 2017

Santa Flaws #1 - Misgivings

Yule tidings...

Santa always got it wrong. When my Christmas list clearly specified G.I. Joe, he brought me Sergeant Dan. I asked for Lincoln Logs; Saint Nick delivered Truman Blocks.

This cruel yule tradition continued into my teens. Instead of "Rubber Soul" Santa gave me "Wayne Newton Sings the Beatles." Rather than English Leather I received Avon's "Wild Country."
Santa isn't very particular about what he puts in his bag. An elf brings the boss a cheap knock-off and Santa says, "Close enough."  This year I am hoping for the latest iPad, but I wouldn't be surprised to get an Etch-A-Sketch.

Next Friday - Santa Flaws #2 - "To buy for"