Friday, October 22, 2021

Gross Indignity - 📌

A simple request...

Dear Family,

    When you are talking about my recent medical procedure, please don't go into all the details. Simply say, "John had some discomfort and he's recovering as expected."
    It isn't necessary to mention any liquids, solids, or semi-solids that may have been spewed, spurted, coughed up, or squeezed out of my body. There is no reason to describe various substances that might have drained, dripped, oozed, gushed, or otherwise expelled by me. Just report, "John is making good progress."

    It isn't helpful to explain any bio matter that was sliced, diced, lasered, gouged out, or scraped off of me. Please don't discuss any tubes, scopes, or probes that were pushed down, shoved up, or inserted into any orifice, nor reveal any discharge of slime, sludge, or sewage that required wiping off, sponging off, mopping up, or hosing down.

    You may think it's necessary to describe the details my procedure, but it's damn embarrassing to me. So, please: thank everyone for asking and tell them, "John is recuperating nicely." That's all you need to say.

Sincerely, John

Wednesday, October 20, 2021

Brain Matter - 📌

The inside story...

Melvin Felbert stepped out of a helicopter and stood up under the aircraft's spinning blades. Two inches of the man's head were sliced right off, clean as a whistle.

Surgeons at Murky Memorial replaced several ounces of Felbert's brain matter with Memory Foam and closed his cranium with stitches. Since then, Felbert's ability to recall information has been remarkable.

"It's a huge improvement," says Felbert, "I can't remember the last time I forgot something."

Monday, October 18, 2021

Gross Inflation -

A timely tip...

Are you accumulating more Halloween crap each year? Now you can simplify your October decorating with giant inflatable yard displays.

Just throw a few frightful forms on your front lawn, run a few extension cords, and you're done. 

After Halloween the fun continues as you switch out Dracula for an inflated Santa. And it's just as easy to pack up Frankenstein's Laboratory and plug in a complete Bethlehem Manger Scene.

Friday, October 15, 2021

Essential Worker -

Pandemic report -

Thanks to recent developments in PPE, Vicki Lane has been able to reopen her mobile business, Strippers to Go.

"I just love my N95 Trikini," gushed Vicki, "The beach-babe-meets-harem-girl is too much fun."

Health officials expect Trikinis will get CDC approval in time holiday parties.
I'm so happy that I don't have to strip at a drive-thru window anymore.