Monday, February 18, 2019

School Sunk - A Murky Memo

In the news...

Murky Vista Elementary School was swallowed up by a giant sinkhole today. Only the flag poll remains above ground level. Investigators say the disaster was caused by the accumulated weight of new teaching ideas.

According to witnesses, teacher, Wanda Wilson, had just returned to the school from an inservice at the district office. She was bringing yet another new teaching idea to share with her colleagues. It would turn out to be one idea too many.

"The district loads us up with new teaching ideas every week," said Wilson. They just keep coming. It was only a matter of time before the ground gave way under all that tonnage." 

All Murky Vista students and staff were safely evacuated.

Friday, February 15, 2019

Renewing Divorce -


This Valentine's Day, Doug Smith and Cindy Frost will celebrate two decades apart by renewing their divorce. 

We caught up with Cindy at the florist, "Our ceremony will start with our re-signing of the original Certificate of Divorce. Then we will exchange vows to stay divorced for another twenty wonderful years."

A reception will follow. Guests will be invited to offer toasts and say a few words about how Doug and Cindy have been happily separated since 1997.

Wednesday, February 13, 2019

Part of Me -

For the record...

My wife and I were trying to remember the details of our first date. "Part of me wants to say we went out for pizza," she said. 

Part of her? What part of her could be speaking out on its own? And what about her other parts? Did some parts of my wife disagree with the part that wanted to say pizza? Was there a part of her that wanted to say we had sushi? 

Well, I don't want any of my parts speaking out on their own. If they can't reach a consensus, a person's parts should keep quiet. With that in mind, all of me wants to say - and I'm unanimous on this -  we had pizza.

Monday, February 11, 2019

Gas Pass -

Good advice...

Dear Murkyman,

I was on a third date with a woman, and we were kissing good night, and everything was going great, until she ripped a loud, stinky fart. She was very embarrassed and kept apologizing. I really like her, but it was totally gross. What should I do?
                                       Confused Guy

Dear Confused Guy,

Marry that woman! If you grant her Prenuptial Toot Amnesty, you will be able to discharge flatus freely in your own home for the rest of your wedded life. And, you will have what every husband needs for domestic tranquility: Fart Blanche.

Friday, February 8, 2019

To Die For -

At the restaurant...

It was the young couple's first date. Becky eyed the dessert menu, "The cherry cake here is simply to die for."

"I wonder if they serve it with ice cream," said Michael.

"Oh, I'd kill for a piece with ice cream," said Becky.

"Didn't your profile say you had a weakness for Irish coffee?" asked Michael.

"Oh, yes! Irish coffee will be the death of me," exclaimed Becky.

This would be their last date. Michael thought Becky was rather morbid and possibly dangerous to herself and others.

Comments - 

Lynn Q. - I think Michael had grave doubts about Becky. lol

Terri C. - He could have said he was "dead tired" and took her home early. 

Wednesday, February 6, 2019

Passion Pot -

A true story...

Frank and Freida Morgan were still in love but there had been a decline in the lust department. As a matter of fact, the thrill was nil. Their therapist recommended Marital Marijuana.

Freida started baking magic brownies and now the Morgans can't get enough of each other. The passion is better than ever. On Saturday Frank and Freida are having a second wedding ceremony to renew their vows, with honeymoon to follow. Thanks, Marital Marijuana.