Friday, December 14, 2018

Yard Sale Bust -

In the news...

Doris Dinker was arrested at his own yard sale for selling several items to a registered hoarder.

Under Cindy's Law, named for Cindy Buttons who went missing amid her household clutter in 2009 and is presumed dead and decomposing, it is illegal to aid any hoarder in the accumulation of stuff.

Dinker protested as she was led away in handcuffs, claiming she was also a hoarder and the transfer of things from one hoarder to another should cancel out the crime.

Police say Dinker may face another charge since the law also says a registered hoarder cannot live within 2,000 feet of a thrift store.

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

Santa Flaws #2 - Christmas Shopping

At Target...

Here's Ted and Dorris buying for people. 

"We only have three more people to buy-for," says Doris. "What should we buy for Craig?

"I don't know," says Ted, "Craig is hard to buy-for."

You hear that a lot at Target at Christmastime: "buy for." Well, I say stop buying for people. Let them buy their own stuff. Otherwise, unless they specify each item's exact brand and model number, they will unwanted crap for Christmas.

A few days later Craig will take it all back to the store and exchange it for things he actually wants. But, this doesn't discourage Craig's folks from buying for him. Because, while Greg may be hard to buy-for, they know Target is easy to return-for.

Monday, December 10, 2018

Redeeming Grace -

Neighborhood news...

The family next door has a life-size inflatable nativity scene on their front lawn. Really.

The wise men are there, and the donkey, the camel, and a couple of lambs. Joseph and Mary gaze adoringly at the Baby Jesus. And rising above all is an enormous inflated brontosaurus. 

I called Dr. F. L. Sloan, a bible scholar, who assured me that there was indeed a dinosaur present in the manger on that holiest of nights. The female behemoth was known around Bethlehem as Grace.

Dr. Sloan explained: "Much later, when the story was put down on parchment, the scribes omitted the dinosaur out of concern that some people might find the Bible hard to believe."

Friday, December 7, 2018

Christmas Strangling -

In the news...

Homicide detectives don't have a suspect in the Barbara Brown murder, but they may have discovered the killer's motive: the annual Brown Family Christmas Letter.
Merry Christmas from the Browns

"Ms. Brown's mailing list gives us almost a hundred suspects," said Inspector Hoskins of the Sprawling Police Department, "Anyone of them could be guilty of choking the life out of her."

Hoskins said the letter includes  such items as, Robbie's teacher think he's advanced and his father is quick to take credit, lol.

"That alone points to homicide," said Hoskins, "Justifiable homicide, but homicide nonetheless."

Wednesday, December 5, 2018

Santa Flaws #1 - Misgivings

Yule tidings...

Santa always got it wrong. When my Christmas list clearly specified G.I. Joe, he brought me Sergeant Dan. I asked for Lincoln Logs, but Saint Nick delivered Hamilton Blocks instead.

This cruel yule tradition continued into my teens. Instead of "Rubber Soul" Santa gave me "Wayne Newton Sings the Beatles." And even though I specified "English Leather," I received Avon's "Wild Country."
Santa isn't very particular about what he puts in his bag. An elf brings the boss a cheap knock-off and Santa says, "Close enough."  This year I am hoping for the latest iPad, but I wouldn't be surprised to get an Etch-A-Sketch.

Next Friday - Santa Flaws #2 - "To buy for"

Monday, December 3, 2018

Dinosaurs Explained -

What you learn in Heaven...

Fact Number 3,872 

Dinosaurs and humans lived together right up to the great flood. That was just four thousand years ago. So what happened to them?

First of all, dinosaurs were invisible. They avoided towns, and stayed off the main roads. Although there were rumors of dragons, leviathans and behemoths, most people were unaware of dinosaurs.

That's why Noah was surprised when a pair of invisible dinosaurs arrived at the ark. The water was already rising so Noah rushed the couple aboard, unaware they were both male and gay. When the ark landed on Mount Ararat, the last two living dinosaurs wandered off into extinction.