Monday, July 16, 2018

Birthday Germs -

If you ask me...

It's a strange ritual. We ask the birthday boy or girl to blow out the candles on a cake we are about to eat. We wouldn't think of having anyone blow on the rest of our food. We don't want anyone spreading their germs all over the ice cream.

You know, we teach our kids to cover their mouths when they cough. We teach them to use a tissue when they sneeze. But on their birthdays, light the candles, make a wish, and spray away.

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Friday, July 13, 2018

Benching Priests - Papal Surprise #12

The latest word...

The Pope has responded to the issue of admitting women to the priesthood with a solution that has rocked the Catholic World. 


While saying he supports equal rights for women, the Pontiff cited First Corinthians 14:34 which flatly forbids females from speaking in church.

"I don't see a way around that one," said His Holiness, "but fair is fair, and if women can't lead mass, neither should men."

Therefore, starting next Sunday, church attendees will be on their own for all Catholic services and ceremonies. Priests will be present, but their duties will be similar to those of ushers at weddings. 


"The service will be a time for silent prayer and private reflection, explained the Pope, "We're cutting out the middle man. Call it a do-it-yourself mass." 

Official Vatican law on this matter is based the example of Jesus Christ who chose only men as his disciples. He also said women would be ordained to the priesthood, "over my dead body," or something like that.

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Wednesday, July 11, 2018

GATE Notification - A Murky Memo

Letter from school...

Dear Certain Parents,

As a result of recent test scores, and other factors that are too confusing to explain, your child has qualified for Gifted And Talented Education, or GATE.


Now, before you get too excited, please try to remember that all children are smart in their own ways. GATE is just another way of being smart. Smart is a relative term.


For example, we have some extra smart students (not yours) who qualify for Brilliant And Spectacular Education. And a few children (also, not yours) who score high enough to reach Ingenious And Amazing Education. And there is an even higher level of smartness that we can't tell you about.


So, just be cool and know that your child, like most children these days, is pretty smart, considering. Next week the teachers will give all the GATE students some extra homework or something.


Sincerely,


Dr. F. Fadder, Bfd, Psychologist

Sprawling School District

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Monday, July 9, 2018

Part of Me -


For the record...

My wife and I were trying to remember the details of our first date. "Part of me wants to say we went out for pizza," she said. 

Part of her? What part of her could be speaking out on its own? And what about her other parts? Did some parts of my wife disagree with the part that wanted to say pizza? Was there a part of her that wanted to say we had sushi? 


Well, I don't want any of my parts speaking out on their own. If they can't reach a consensus, a person's parts should keep quiet. With that in mind, all of me wants to say - and I'm unanimous on this -  we had pizza.


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Friday, July 6, 2018

Skipping Hell - Papal Surprise #11

Off the cuff... 

The pope just revealed a loophole in the Biblical requirements for going to Hell and Satan is not one bit happy about the sudden change.

"The Pope can't say a young boy's atheist father gets a free pass just because he was a good dad," complained the Lord of the Underworld, "That's not the way it works."

While meeting with a group of children, the Pontiff took a question from a boy who had been told all non-believers go to Hell. His Holiness consulted with the other kids who said God wouldn't send a good dad to Hell, and the Pontiff calmly said, "Well, okay, then."

Which has really pissed off Satan: "My job is hard enough without half the heathens in Hades applying for a Good Dad Exemption."

 Based on a statement made by Pope Frances at St. Paul Parish, April 19, 2018

Next Friday, Papal Surprise #12

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Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Pledging Allegiance -


Another thing... 

By the time they are out of sixth grade, American kids have pledged allegiance to the flag over a thousand times, but that's hardly enough because pledging drops off after that.

As citizens, we must keep up with pledging from our teenage years right on through old age, and the easiest way to accomplish this is online.

Starting soon, the Pledge of Allegiance will pop up whenever anyone opens Amazon, You Tube, or Facebook. Just click on Agree and faster than you can say, "one nation under God," you're good. 

And, with one more Supreme Court appointment, we can start doing this with the Ten Commandments. 

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