Friday, July 23, 2021

Bear Scare - 📌

On the level...

Warren's body was found on the trail, untouched, but surrounded by bear tracks. The rangers figured Warren must have been scared to death. However, the coroner's autopsy indicated Warren had only been scared half to death.

This presented a mystery until his cousin remembered that, years earlier, Warren had been scared half to death by a rattlesnake.

Therefore, the cause of Warren's demise was officially listed as having been scared half to death, twice.

Wednesday, July 21, 2021

Gross Indignity - 📌

A simple request...

Dear Family,

    When you are talking about my recent medical procedure, please don't go into all the details. Simply say, "John had some discomfort and he's recovering as expected."
    It isn't necessary to mention any liquids, solids, or semi-solids that may have been spewed, spurted, coughed up, or squeezed out of my body. There is no reason to describe various substances that might have drained, dripped, oozed, gushed, or otherwise expelled by me. Just report, "John is making good progress."

    It isn't helpful to explain any bio matter that was sliced, diced, lasered, gouged out, or scraped off of me. Please don't discuss any tubes, scopes, or probes that were pushed down, shoved up, or inserted into any orifice, nor reveal any discharge of slime, sludge, or sewage that required wiping off, sponging off, mopping up, or hosing down.

    You may think it's necessary to describe the details my procedure, but it's damn embarrassing to me. So, please: thank everyone for asking and tell them, "John is recuperating nicely." That's all you need to say.

Sincerely, John

Monday, July 19, 2021

Liking Lactose - 🍴


Today my doctor said I'm lactose intolerant. That's ridiculous. I've never had anything against lactose.

Oh, sure, lactose can be a little annoying, and I may have been a tad impatient with it at times, but, intolerant? Never.

You just name one time when I said anything bad about lactose. Have you ever heard me complaining about lactose? Of course not.

I'm fine with lactose. I even get along with sucrose, fructose, glucose, and all the other -oses. Except dextrose. I will not put up with dextrose. Not for a minute. Dextrose is where I draw the line.

Friday, July 16, 2021

Freedom to Text - 🔔

In the news...

Texting while driving a car is a form of free speech and therefore protected by the First Amendment of the U. S. Constitution.

That's the theory behind the "Freedom to Text" campaign to overturn California's law against sending text messages while operating a motor vehicle.

"This is the kind of big government over-regulation that is killing our democracy," says citizen advocate, Leonard Foister.

Foister fears a slippery slope of regulations that threaten our rights liberty. "They won't rest until they confiscate every one of our smart phones," he declared.

Californians who are fed up with government over-reach may send tax-free donations to: Leonard Foister, California Funeral Directors Lobby, Sacramento, CA

Wednesday, July 14, 2021

Hush money - 🔔

In the news...

 A Las Vegas hooker is offering the former president cash to stop talking. 

Ashleigh Bardot says she was paid eighty thousand dollars in 1999 to keep quiet.

"I saved my hush money in case I ever wanted to make someone hush," said Bardot, "I'll give it all back if the man will just hush."

Monday, July 12, 2021

So, Sue Me - 🔔

Crime report...

Harold Smith is not worried. Yes, he was arrested for stealing campaign funds, and the feds threatened to sue his pants off, but Smith has plenty of other pants.

Even when Smith heard the judge was going to throw the book at him, he just laughed.

Said Smith, "I was hoping for a slap on the wrist, but even if the book hits me right on the nose, that's a lot better than prison time."