Friday, April 15, 2022

Chopped Liver -

 Food for thought...

How did chopped liver get such a bad name? I mean, everybody disdains chopped liver. Even other deli dishes feel superior to chopped liver. Pickled herring - pickled herring - thinks they're better than chopped liver.

Last week I was in a buffet line and people were ignoring the pickled herring as if it wasn't even there.

And a pickled herring said, "So, what am I, chopped liver?"

Monday, April 4, 2022

Missionary Guys -

Field report...

Elders Tim and Scotty were excited about going on mission until they were assigned to work in Hell where untold horrors lurked behind every door.

And, even in Hell where poor souls are most desperately in need of salvation, the boys got a chilly reception, if such a thing is possible in Hell. 

As Tim and Scotty trudged bravely through the netherworld, wondering how things would be different if they had been born into families that were Methodist, Lutheran, or even Baptist, they also wondered what Jill and Brenda were doing back at home, and yet, they pressed on.

Monday, February 14, 2022

Spousal Correction - 💘

For the record...

I ordered my lunch at the counter and sat down at a small table to wait. Next to me was a friendly-looking couple. 

We made small talk (as strangers will do) and the man said, "Our youngest son is a professor and he lives in..."

Then his wife interjected, “Actually, he's an assistant professor.”

Without pause the man said, Actually, he's an associate professor,” then continued telling me about their son.

It was a great moment. I had just witnessed a perfectly-executed Double Spousal Correction. And they were perfectly okay with it, which I took as a sign of a happy marriage.

Friday, February 11, 2022

Tattoo Removal - 💘

On the road...

When his Harley hit a pothole, Chuck found himself sliding down the road next to his motorcycle. Since the rugged biker was in for some serious road rash, he figured this was a good chance to rid himself of an unwanted tattoo, which happened to be the name of his former old lady, Cyndi.

As he slid along, Chuck pressed his meaty bicep onto the asphalt thus grinding off the inky memento. Later at the hospital doctors covered the bloody abrasion with a patch of skin from Chuck's right butt cheek.

Chuck says he'll replace the erased tattoo with the name of his new girlfriend - Becky, and if he breaks up with Becky, "Well, I still have another butt cheek," says Chuck.

Wednesday, February 9, 2022

To Die For - 💘

At the restaurant...

It was the young couple's first date. Becky eyed the dessert menu, "The cherry cake here is simply to die for."

"I wonder if they serve it with ice cream," said Michael.

"Oh, I'd kill for a piece with ice cream," said Becky.

"Didn't your profile say you had a weakness for Irish coffee?" asked Michael.

"Oh, yes! Irish coffee will be the death of me," exclaimed Becky.

This would be their last date. Michael thought Becky was rather morbid and possibly dangerous to herself and others.

Comments - 

Lynn Q. - I think Michael had grave doubts about Becky. lol

Terri C. - He could have said he was "dead tired" and took her home early.

Monday, February 7, 2022

Rear Ending - 💘

Do it for her...

Sometime during his advanced years, every husband owes it to his wife to take her for a ride in the car, and crash into the back of another car, hard enough to do some damage, but not so hard as to injure anyone, and by doing so he will fully justify all the times since their honeymoon that she warned him about following too close.