Friday, March 16, 2018

Worthy Cause -

It's deductable...

I donated fifty dollars to a home for battered fish.

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Classroom Assignments - a Murky Memo

Something new...

To: Teachers
From: Dr. Flumsy, Principal
RE: Classroom Assignments

Once again, it's time to assign students to their classrooms for next year. To be fair to all teachers, we have a new system that will ensure an even distribution of challenging students. 

After your grade-level team makes up the new lists, we will pull the students' cume folders and make a stack for each new classroom. Then we will use the health room scale to weigh the stacks. If any teacher has a heavier stack, some students with thick cumes will be switched around.

Hoping this helps, 
Dr. Flumsy

Monday, March 12, 2018

Side Effects -

The fine print...

Are you suffering from itchy elbows? Ask your doctor if Lizora is right for you.

Side effects may include stomach cramps, constipation, diarrhea, and homicidal tendencies. You may feel an urge to commit murder while taking Lizora. Some users have slaughtered their entire families. Stop taking Lizora if you get a rash, or begin killing people.

Lizora - it might be just the relief you need.

Friday, March 9, 2018

Whaling Jobs -

Latest executive order - 

After assuring the America's coal industry that it is still viable, The President has cancelled all international agreements on the harvesting of whales.

"We are going to start harpooning again in this country," he declared. "Thousands of whales migrate along our shores and we do nothing. So unfair to generations of our whaling families."

The POTUS ordered whale-oil lamps installed in all federal buildings and said public school cafeterias will serve blubber twice a week.

Meanwhile, tobacco farmers are pleased that the legal age for buying cigarettes will be lowered to seven.

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

New Report Card - a Murky Memo

Letter to the teacher...

Dear Mr. Ficklesworth,

Thank you for sending Felonia's report card home. I know report cards have changed, but I'm puzzled by some of the terms. 
For example, in math you checked the box for “exceeding mastery at below grade-level expectations."

In language arts my daughter was “approaching proficiency in advanced remedial areas," and for science Felonia was “surpassing near competency." About history you indicated “receding progress has improved."

Then there were scores for over fifty tests, exams, and quizzes under the heading of Malevolent Measures. The whole thing made me dizzy. 
Can we meet next week to discuss how Felonia is doing in school? She is passing, isn’t she?


Mrs. Fenortner

Murky Memos for teachers are posted every Wednesday.

Monday, March 5, 2018

Side Stabber -

Fair warning...

As a seasoned political advisor, Wayne knew to watch out for Back Stabbers, an ever-present threat, especially in politics. He never suspected the lesser-known and even more insidious threat: Side Stabbers until it happened to him.

Wayne had suffered Butt Kickers, Wedgie Givers, Two-finger Eye Pokers, and he had been pantsed, twice. But worst of all was the Side Stabbing. Because the thrust was delivered by Dusty Higgs, who for over twenty years had been Wayne's trusty sidekick.