Friday, September 17, 2021

Back to School #12

Staff notice...

To: Murky Vista Elementary School - All Staff
From: Dr. Flumsy, Principal
RE: Bee problem

We all know what happened to Mrs. Fleasy last week with the bees. Hopefully, she will return to her classroom in time to prepare her students for the Standardized Cumulative Assessment and Rating Yardstick, or as I like to call it, the SCARY test.

Update on the bees: the maintenance guys located the hive deep within the walls of Room F-6. However, the usual methods of removal have been unsuccessful. Advice was sought on a cost-effective, natural remedy to this dangerous infestation.

On Monday a contractor will introduce approximately one hundred black widow spiders into the spaces between the walls. Since spiders eat bee larvae, everything should be back to normal soon.

Wednesday, September 15, 2021

Back to School #11

Teacher training...

To: Credentialed Staff
From: Mr. Flumsy, Principal - Murky Vista Elementary School
RE: Teacher training

All teachers are invited to attend a workshop on how to conduct a seminar for planning a conference, however, you must first attend an inservice on presenting symposia. Then you will go to a colloquium and participate in meetings where you will learn how to organize a retreat for the purpose of improving workshops. Or you can just drink this poison.

Murky Memos for teachers are posted every Wednesday.

Monday, September 13, 2021

Back to School #10

The bathroom pass... 

Can you think of a better way to spread germs than the bathroom pass? Teachers, who certainly know about germs, require little children to take the wood or plastic pass with them to the bathroom.

The children put the pass on the sink while they do their business. Then they drop it on the floor, and after they don't wash their hands, they carry it back to the classroom and hang it back on the hook, where it waits, teeming with germs, for the next child who needs to go to the bathroom.

Friday, September 10, 2021

Back to School #9

Smelly methods...

To: All teachers
From: Dr. Flumsy, Principal
Re: Odor Support

Have you been meeting the needs of your olfactory learners? Please remember to differentiate for every possible learning modality as you plan your daily lessons. That means using Parallel Teaching Strategies for each and every visual, auditory, kinesthetic, and olfactory learner in your classroom.

If you need any olfactory-based materials, such as a Scratch & Sniff science kits, Whiff-O-Math geometry packets, or Smelly-Spelly flash cards, please request them. 

Don't forget, the library now has a complete set of Odor Readers available for check-out.

Wednesday, September 8, 2021

Back to School #8

GATE notification...

Dear Certain Parents,

As a result of recent test scores, and other factors that are too confusing to explain, your child has qualified for Gifted And Talented Education, or GATE.

Now, before you get too excited, please try to remember that all children are smart in their own ways. GATE is just another way of being smart. Smart is a relative term.

For example, we have some extra smart students (not yours) who qualify for Brilliant And Spectacular Education. And a few children (also, not yours) who score high enough to reach Ingenious And Amazing Education. And there is an even higher level of smartness that we can't tell you about.

So, just be cool and know that your child, like most children these days, is pretty smart, considering. Next week the teachers will give all the GATE students some extra homework or something.


Dr. F. Fadder, Bfd, Psychologist

Sprawling School District

Monday, September 6, 2021

Back to School #7

Rapture plan...

To: Murky Vista Elem. Staff
From: Dr. Flumsy, Principal
Re: Emergency Rapture Plan

If the rapture occurs during school hours, some staff members will no longer be available to supervise the students who are left behind, although we can probably count on Mrs. Feldman who has agreed to lead the Rapture Response Team.

Rapture procedure:

A. Fire and brimstone will rain down on the campus. 

Shelter in place.

B. Horsemen will ride wildly through the corridors. 
Go to lock down.

C. Demons will come for the un-saved. 
Start praying.*

*All rules against prayer in school will be suspended at this time.