Monday, August 19, 2019

Laminating Crisis - a Murky Memo

Urgent memo...

To: Murky Vista Staff
From: Dr. Flumsy, Principal
Re: Laminating Crisis

I just talked to the superintendent and she says we cannot postpone the opening day of school even though our laminating machine is broken. However, she assured me that an emergency replacement is being rushed to the school and will be installed sometime tonight.

Some teachers have said they will sleep in the workroom until the laminator arrives but don't worry: if you are unable to seal all of your learning materials in plastic by 7:45 tomorrow morning, students will be held in the buses until all laminating is complete.

Thanks for your patience during this difficult time.

Friday, August 16, 2019

Romance Night - A Murky Memo

Upcoming event...

To: Murky Vista Staff
From: Dr. Flumsy, Principal
RE: Romance Night

If our student population continues to decline at the present rate, our school may have to be closed. Therefore, the PTA has come up with a plan to encourage procreation in the Murky Vista community. It's called Romance Night.

Friday evening, as all students go to the library for a Read-A-Thon sleepover, their parents will gather in the auditorium which will be transformed into an intimate dinning venue with dim lighting and soft music. After a light dinner of menudo con oysters, parents may enjoy dancing to Don Grosso's Tango Trio. 

At nine o'clock our Moms and Dads will be sent home with a bottle of wine and (we hope) renewed passions. The next morning the PTA will serve a pancake breakfast to all those with hearty appetites.

Look in your mailbox for fliers to go home next week.

Wednesday, August 14, 2019

Near Death Experience -

A close call...

Mike was on the operating table when his heart stopped beating and he was technically dead. Mike says he saw a long tunnel, a bright light, and some angels. Suddenly, his heart restarted and he came back to life.

People told Mike that his reprieve was part of God's plan. They said he must have some unfulfilled purpose here on Earth. 

Since then, Mike actively avoids fulfilling that purpose, whatever it might be. He just hangs around the house, and does nothing all day. Because any random accomplishment, even an accidental good deed, could be fatal, and Mike isn't taking any chances.

Monday, August 12, 2019

Bear Caught Salmon -

From Bob Decker, Wilderness Trekker...

Hi, Everyone: I'm here at stream side where insulated metal boxes have been installed on the river banks. As you can see, the local bears are filling them with salmon. When a bear puts his fresh catch in the top of the box, a bowl of porridge comes out of a chute on the side.

With me now is Phil Fobus of Northwest Fisheries. Phil, I hear there is a thriving market for bear-caught salmon.

"That is correct, Bob. Chains like Murky's Whole Groceries cater to a clientele that prefers more natural methods of harvesting. Farmed salmon, net-caught salmon, and line-caught salmon leave a big carbon footprint. Bear-caught salmon? Not so much. Maybe some tracks in the mud."

Comments -

Bradly M. - I hear they're outsourcing this to China because pandas will work for less.

Friday, August 9, 2019

Rescue Lobsters -

 Nantucket News...

Acting on a tip, Animal Control Officers raided the Bib & Cracker Cafe and found 137 live Maine lobsters in an over-crowded glass tank. 

The captive crustaceans were taken to the County Shelter for health checks and will be available for adoption by the public.

"We hope to place these lobsters in new homes with nice families," said Staff Veterinarian, Wanda Wilson, "We already have a waiting list."

Lucky adopters will be limited to three rescue lobsters per household. They must bring a suitable container and make a donation of $23.00 per pound.

Wednesday, August 7, 2019

Whaling Jobs -

Policy shift - 

After assuring the America's coal industry that it is still viable, The President has cancelled all international agreements on the harvesting of whales.

"We are going to start harpooning again in this country," he declared. "Thousands of whales migrate along our shores and we do nothing. So unfair to generations of our whaling families."

The Chief Executive also ordered whale-oil lamps installed in all federal building. He tweeted that public school cafeterias should serve blubber twice a week.

And the President hasn't forgotten the tobacco farmers saying he will lower the legal age for buying cigarettes to seven.