Friday, June 11, 2021

Liking Lactose - 🍴


Today my doctor said I'm lactose intolerant. That's ridiculous. I've never had anything against lactose.

Oh, sure, lactose can be a little annoying, and I may have been a tad impatient with it at times, but, intolerant? Never.

You just name one time when I said anything bad about lactose. Have you ever heard me complaining about lactose? Of course not.

I'm fine with lactose. I even get along with sucrose, fructose, glucose, and all the other -oses. Except dextrose. I will not put up with dextrose. Not for a minute. Dextrose is where I draw the line.

Wednesday, June 9, 2021

Hands Off -

Customer complaint...

Looking at restaurant menus, you'd think diners wanted their food to be handled as much as possible.

The battered fish is hand dipped.
The hamburger patties are hand-formed.
And the oysters are hand-shucked.

Menus list hand-pulled pork, hand-leafed lettuce, and hand-stacked sandwiches.

Don't they have any ladles, forks, or spatulas? I don't want hand-tossed salad. Please use tongs.

The tacos are hand-rolled, and the chicken is hand-stuffed, and everything else is hand-drizzled, hand-sprinkled, hand-stirred, smeared, slathered, cracked, filled, or layered.

Listen, Restaurant People: I don't want my food handmade, handcrafted, or even handled. Just keep your hands off. That's why we have utensils, for crying out loud.

Monday, June 7, 2021

Massive Procession - 🍩

Broken news...

More than 250 ice cream trucks and vans came from three states to form a massive funeral procession in honor Frank Flatney, a frozen novelty vendor who died on Saturday.

"We got the idea from law enforcement," said Vernon Brown who organized the event. "It's an awesome tribute: a really long line of ice cream trucks, flashing their flashers and blaring musical jingles - all in an emotional farewell to a brother few of us had ever met." 

"I don't mean to say ice cream vendors are on a par with police officers," explained Brown, "but such an extravagant show of solidarity is a comfort to any family that is suffering a loss."

Thousands of people were attracted by the musical jingles and lined the streets to view the procession. Traffic was delayed for miles around as the trucks kept stopping to sell ice cream.

Friday, June 4, 2021

Drop Forged - 📌

Coming to terms...

So, a guy goes into a hardware store to buy a wrench. He picks up a one with the words "Drop Forged" cast into the handle. The guy has no idea what that means but he figures drop forgeness must be a good thing to have in a wrench.

But then he sees another wrench that says "Fully Drop Forged" and he thinks that's certainly better than partially drop forged. 

When he notices still another wrench marked "Case Hardened" he gives up on wrenches and buys a pair of Vice Grips.

Wednesday, June 2, 2021

Brain Matter - 📌

The inside story...

Melvin Felbert stepped out of a helicopter and stood up under the aircraft's spinning blades. Two inches of the man's head were sliced right off, clean as a whistle.

Surgeons at Murky Memorial replaced several ounces of Felbert's brain matter with Memory Foam and closed his cranium with stitches. Since then, Felbert's ability to recall information has been remarkable.

"It's a huge improvement," says Felbert, "I can't remember the last time I forgot something."