THE BIBLE IN BRIEF - Ribbing Religion

The basic story in seven parts...
Single white male seeks love, praise, devotion...
At first, there was only God.

And God was all knowing - He knew everything there was to know. And everything that would ever be known. From the beginning to the end, right down to the tiniest detail, nothing would ever surprise God. So awesome!

And God was all powerful - He could do anything he wanted just by thinking it so. He could create anything, cause anything to happen, or not happen, and invent how everything works.  Everything. Everywhere. All the time. Are you getting how awesome God is?

And God, was all love - He was, like, pure love. God actually invented love. However, there was nobody to love God in return. Not one single creature existed to love God. What to do?

Part I - God got an idea.

He would create some creatures to love him. But, first, God needed some working space so, Bang! He created the universe with galaxies, stars, and solar systems. He added comets, moons, and planets. And God invented gravity, fusion, and light. Even the passing of time.

Next, God needed some living space so, Shazam! He made the 
earth with oceans, mountains, and plants. He added fish, birds, and mammals. And God invented weather, photosynthesis, and reproduction. Even the migration of ducks. 

After that God invented people - the creatures who would love him. However, God thought it would be more meaningful if the people wanted to love him, so he gave them free will along with certain - shall we say - incentives to love him.

Part II - People disobeyed God.

God put his very first people - a young and rather na├»ve couple named Adam and Eve - into a beautiful garden and their lives were el perfecto. Until God spake: "Don't eat the fruit from that tree over there or you will surely die, Bwahahaha!"
In 1614 AD, there was an ill-timed movement within The Church to replace "Bwahahaha!" with the Hebrew version, "Mwahahaha!" However, in the brouhaha over heliocentrism, both words were omitted by weary scribes.

One day a talking snake - actually, the Devil - persuaded Eve to persuade Adam to eat the forbidden fruit. God saw that coming, of course. The invention of sin was a key feature of his plan. Going forward, God would hold every man, woman, and child accountable for Adam & Eve's disobedience, the Original Sin. 

Yes, at the moment of their births, all future people would be automatically guilty and therefore deserving of God's grim and imaginative punishments, including - but not limited to - death, disease, famine, war, pestilence, genocide, infanticide, pedophilia, slavery, torture, thorns, fangs, poison, pain, suffering, misery, and eternal damnation, none of which existed before Adam & Eve disobeyed God. But you know, The Big Guy had given them fair warning about that apple. 

On a happier note, there were some positive incentives. If people obeyed God and loved only him, they would be blessed with health, wealth, and offspring. 

Part III - People still disobeyed God.

As the number of people grew and spread across the land, they made advancements in growing crops, raising animals, building cities, and inventing things. They also thunk up all sorts of false gods and worshiped idols. And the real god, God, was getting real upset about that. Other things too, but especially that. 

Part IV - God got another idea.

God thought if he killed off all of the people - just this once - disobedience would be reduced to an acceptable level and perhaps the next batch of people would follow directions better. So, that's just what God did. Sparing only a guy named Noah and his crew, God drowned all of the earth's men, women, children. They really should have listened.  

If you haven't heard this story before, and you're getting a bad impression of God, hang in there. I know he comes off looking just a tad psychotic, but don't judge till you get to the best part.
After the flood, with high hopes, but still condemned to miserable lives as penalty for Adam & Eve's Original Sin, the few surviving humans struck out to repopulate the earth. Alas, it wasn't long before people took up sin again. They ignored the lord and went back to worshiping other gods. 

The flood had failed so mass extermination was off the table. Maybe people just didn't understand what God wanted.

Part V - God spelled out the rules.

Just to make everything clear, God gave his Ten Holy Commandments to Moses. 

The first four commandments instructed people on giving God his propers. Then there were five common-sense commandments about things like killing and lying. The tenth commandment was a dilly: Never, ever think about having something that doesn't belong to you. 

But, even if people managed to follow all of God's other rules and admonitions, they would be forever guilty of the Original Sin, and now the impossible-to-obey Tenth Commandment. Most people weren't buying it.

Part VI - God tried something else.

God sent his son with some very good news. Jesus Christ explained that his dad was willing to pardon some people for their sins, including the Original Sin. All God required in return was for Jesus to die temporarily and, Presto! Everybody's sins would be forgiven. Just like that. Poof! 

I bet you're asking yourself, couldn't God have pardoned everyone with a snap of his fingers, or by clicking his heels together three times? Of course he could, but God went with gruesome crucifixion, a wise choice since people would really, really, really love God for having his son tortured on their behalf.

Jesus said the new deal meant some pre-selected, or "saved" people (Christians) would escape Hell (the horrible place where people suffer in torment and anguish for eternity) - and go to Heaven (the happy place where people love and praise God forever).

Now, some folks think there is a bit more to it than that. They say only Christians, people who believe Jesus died for their sins, will be saved. Others say only Christians who obey God, or are baptized in the right church, will be saved. Still others claim God has already chosen the lucky ones. In any case, some people are going to Heaven, and some people are going to Hell. 

After his death, Jesus came back to life and joined his father in Heaven. Gradually, people started coming around to believing in the real God.

Part VII - God wins! (The best part)

Today, Christians blame themselves for what happened to Jesus. After all, they say, rules are rules. Christians figure an eternity in Hell is just what they deserve and they only have themselves to blame. 

So you can imagine how thrilled - how positively thrilled - Christians are about God's work-around that forgives them. And they really, really, really love him for that. Yay!

What it all means -

Now you know why God made the universe with comets, moons, and planets. And why he invented gravity, fusion, light, and time. And why he created the earth with all the plants, animals and people and weather, photosynthesis. Even the migration of ducks.

It was all for God's seven-thousand-year project to have somebody who would love and praise him forever. That's it.

That's the Bible in Brief.

Proof that God is real - 
Look at the location of our ears for evidence of God's handiwork. The Lord knew man would invent eye glasses. Notice how perfectly the ears hold them in place. It's details like this that can only be explained by Intelligent Design. 

Proof that evolution is a crock -

According to a 2012 survey sponsored by the Pew Research Center and conducted by Princeton Research Associates, 76% of modern humans say they believe in some form god. Clearly, we are not evolving.

Copyright © 2005-2018 - The Bible in Brief by Rick Wall - All rights reserved, batteries not included, some assembly required, may cause drowsiness, your results may vary. 

More scattered satire with a chance of humor at