THE BIBLE IN BRIEF six incredible parts

Ribbing religion...
Single white male seeks love, praise, obedience...
At first, there was only God.

And God was all knowing - He knew everything that  would ever happen. Every little thing. And when, where, and how everything would happen. So awesome!

And God was all powerful - He could do anything he wanted to do. Anything at all. 
And he could design and create anything, just the way he wanted it to beAre you getting how awesome God is?


And God, was all ego - He desperately needed to be loved. And to be praised. And obeyed. But there was nobody to love, praise, and obey God. What to do?

Part I - God got an idea.

He would create some creatures to love, praise, and obey him. But, first, God needed some working space so, Bang! He created the universe with galaxies, stars, and solar systems. He added comets, moons, and planets. And God created gravity, fusion, and light. Even the passing of time.


Next, God needed some living space so, Woosh! He created the earth with oceans, mountains, and plants. He added fish, birds, and mammals. And God created weather, photosynthesis, and reproduction. Even the migration of ducks. 

After that, God needed the creatures who would love, praise, and obey him so, Poof! He made Adam & Eve. But God thought it would be more meaningful if the people wanted to love him, so he gave them "free will" along with certain - shall we say, incentives to follow directions.


Part II - People disobeyed God.

God put the young and rather na├»ve couple into a beautiful garden and their lives were el perfecto. Until God spake: "Don't eat the fruit from that tree over there or you will surely die, Bwahahaha!"
Note: In 1614 AD, there was an ill-timed movement to replace "Bwahahaha!" with the Hebrew version, "Mwahahaha!" However, in the brouhaha over heliocentrism, confused scribes left out both words. 

One day in the garden, a talking snake persuaded Eve to persuade Adam to eat the forbidden fruit. Of course, God knew that would happen. Now, going forward, God would hold every man, woman, and child accountable for Adam & Eve's disobedience, hereafter known as the Original Sin. 

Yes, at the moment of their births, all future people would be guilty by association of the Original Sin and therefore deserving of God's grim and imaginative punishments, including (but not limited to) death, disease, famine, war, pestilence, genocide, infanticide, and slavery, none of which existed before Adam & Eve disobeyed God. But, you know, they had been given fair warning about that apple. 

On a happier note, God offered some positive incentives. If people loved, praised, and obeyed him, and only him, they would be blessed with everlasting life. It was a good offer.

Part III - People still disobeyed God.

As the number of people grew and spread across the land, they made advancements in growing crops, raising animals, building cities, and inventing things. And people thunk up all sorts of false gods. And the real god, God, was getting pissed about that. Other things too, but especially that. 

Part IV - God got another idea.

He would wipe out everybody and start over. Maybe the next batch of people would follow directions better. So, sparing only Noah and his crew, God drowned all of the earth's men, women, and children. They really should have listened.  

Note: If you haven't heard this story before, and you're getting a bad impression of God, hang in there. I know he seems just a tad psychotic, but don't judge till you get to the best part.
After the flood, with high hopes, but still condemned to miserable lives as penalty for Adam & Eve's Original Sin, the few surviving humans struck out to repopulate the earth. Alas, it wasn't long before the poor fools took up sin again. Using their "free will" most people ignored the lord and went back to worshiping other gods. 

Maybe they just didn't understand what God wanted.

Part V - God spelled out the rules.

So to make everything perfectly clear, God issued Ten Holy Commandments and gave them to Moses. 

The first four commandments instructed people on how to love, praise, and obey God. Then there were five common-sense commandments about things like killing and lying. But, the tenth commandment was a dilly: Never even think about having something that doesn't belong to you. 

Word spread that, even if people managed to follow all of God's other rules, they would be still be guilty of the Original Sin plus the impossible-to-obey Tenth Commandment, and therefore, doomed.

Given such a hopeless situation, most people continued their bad habits. God pondered his next action. Because the flood had failed another mass extermination was off the table. God needed a new idea. And he came up with a doozie.

Part VI - God gets his best idea ever.

God would send his son to renegotiate the deal. Jesus said his dad was willing to pardon some people for their sins, even the Original Sin. All God required was for Jesus to die (temporarily) and Presto! Everybody's sins would be forgiven. 


Note: I bet you're asking yourself, Couldn't God have pardoned everyone with a snap of his fingers, or by clicking his heels together three times? Of course he could, but God went with gruesome crucifixion, a wise choice since people would really, really, really love God for having his son tortured on their behalf.


Jesus explained how people who accepted him would escape Hell (the horrible place where people suffer in torment and anguish for eternity) - and go to Heaven (the happy place where people love, praise, and obey God forever). Who could refuse such an offer?


Note: Some folks say there's a bit more to salvation than that. They say only people who believe God is real and that Jesus died for their sins will be saved. Others say people must be baptized in a certain sect to be saved. Still others claim God has already chosen his favorite people and that's that.


Anyway, after dying on the cross, Jesus came back to life and joined his father in Heaven where they monitor the thoughts and actions of every human, everywhere, every second. They listen to prayers, and intervene, sometimes. But that's not the end of the story. Someday Jesus will return to Earth, slaughter the non-believers, and usher the qualified into Heaven. Hooray!

Note: Actually, Jesus and God are the same entity, so you might say he sacrificed himself, to himself, to appease himself, so he could forgive people for breaking rules that he made up. Awesome, huh?

God wins! (The best part)


Today, Christians blame themselves for what happened to Jesus and figure an eternity in Hell is just what they deserve.  

So you can imagine how thrilled - how positively thrilled - Christians are about God's forgiveness that gets them into Heaven. And they really, really, really love him for that. Yay!

What it all means -

Now you know why God made the universe with comets, moons, and planets. And why he invented gravity, fusion, light, and time. And why he created the earth with all the plants, animals and people and weather, photosynthesis. Even the migration of ducks.


It was all for God's six-thousand-year project to have somebody who would love, praise, and obey him forever. That's it. 

That's the Bible in Brief.

Proof that God is real - 
Look at the location of our ears for evidence of God's handiwork. The Lord knew man would invent eye glasses. Notice how perfectly the ears hold them in place. It's details like this that can only be explained by Intelligent Design. 

Proof that evolution is a crock -

According to a 2012 survey, sponsored by the Pew Research Center and conducted by Princeton Research Associates, 76% of modern humans say they believe in some form god. Clearly, we are not evolving.

More scattered satire with a chance of humor at murkyvista.com