Announcement...
This Valentine's Day, Doug Smith and Cindy Frost will celebrate two decades apart by renewing their divorce.
We caught up with Cindy at the florist, "Our ceremony will start with our re-signing of the original Certificate of Divorce. Then we will exchange vows to stay divorced for another twenty wonderful years."
A reception will follow. Guests will be invited to offer toasts and say a few words about how Doug and Cindy have been happily separated since 2001.
murkyvista.com
Good advice...
Dear Murkyman,
I was on a third date with a woman, and we were kissing good night, and everything was going great, until she ripped a loud, stinky fart. She was very embarrassed and kept apologizing. I really like her, but it was totally gross. What should I do?
Confused Guy
Dear Confused Guy,
Marry that woman! If you grant her Prenuptial Toot Amnesty, you will be able to discharge flatus freely in your own home for the rest of your wedded life. And you will have what every husband needs for domestic tranquility: Fart Blanche.
murkyvista.com
For the record...
My wife and I were trying to remember the details of our first date. "Part of me wants to say we went out for pizza," she said.
Part of her? What part of her could be speaking out on its own? And what about her other parts? Did some parts of my wife disagree with the part that wanted to say pizza? Was there a part of her that wanted to say we had sushi?
Well, I don't want any of my parts speaking out on their own. If they can't reach a consensus, a person's parts should keep quiet. With that in mind, all of me wants to say - and I'm unanimous on this - we had pizza.
murkyvista.com
Broken news...
More than two thousand ice cream trucks came from three states to form a massive funeral procession in honor Frank Flatney, a frozen novelty vendor who died on Tuesday.
"We got the idea from law enforcement," said Vernon Brown who organized the event. "It's an awesome tribute: a really long line of ice cream trucks, flashing their lights and blaring musical jingles - all in an emotional farewell to a brother few of us had ever met."
"I don't mean to say ice cream vendors are on a par with police officers," explained Brown, "but such an extravagant show of solidarity is a comfort to any family that is suffering a loss."
Thousands of people were attracted by the musical jingles and lined the streets to view the procession. Traffic was backed up for miles as the trucks kept stopping to sell ice cream.
Organizers are accepting online donations for attendees who, unlike the cops, had to pay for their own gas.
murkyvista.com
A beginner's guide...
Between lovers, the most common kiss is the Hello or Good-bye Kiss. It's a brief, slightly puckered, right-on-the-lips kiss that ends with a crisp smacking sound. The timing of the smacking sound is crucial to a successful kiss.
Pre-smack occurs when one or both of the lovers make the smacking sound before their lips touch. This error might be interpreted as eagerness but doing it more than once will be seen as clumsy.
Smack Lag happens when the smacking sound comes after the lips separate. This could suggest someone was so enthralled they forgot to smack, or perhaps their mind was somewhere else altogether.
These kissing errors can be avoided with a little practice. Once you and your lover have perfected Simul Smack you will be kissing like Romeo and Juliet.
murkyvista.com
On the level...
We're dropping my father-in-law at the airport. He's getting his bag from the trunk when he sees a folded paper on the ground. Did he drop it? Could it be his tickets?
He picks up the paper and unfolds it. It's just some discarded pamphlet. He drops it back to the pavement.
Dad doesn't think of this as littering because the pamphlet had already been dropped by someone else. It was pre-littered. So Dad thinks it's perfectly alright to drop the paper - as if he had never picked it up.
murkyvista.com
